3 Bicoastal Boys

Heywood Inspired Holiday Message

2010-12-04T17:15:00.004-05:00

Coffee does indeed spark the para-familiar, brother/sister buggery.

Where have you been.

2010-12-03T00:59:00.008-05:00

Well hello everybody and Merry Freaking Christmas! After two years of having Heywood's computer at the "geek squad," (which made it impossible to post anything) they finally called today to say the computer is fixed. Talk about a slow turnaround time. Sheesh!

Lets catch up on the goings on the west coast. Heywood has gone through three mountain bikes in this time but is currently riding a Yeti ASR-7 which is the cats meow. There shall be a review to follow another day. His dream rode bike has arrived, but it turns out to be kinda vanilla. And, well.... sounds like we are up to the present now. Moving right along.

Mrs. Heywood is very much like Moveitfred, she enjoys a nice cup 0f joe to get her jacked up in the wee hours of the morning. And to try to keep nagging and bitching to a minimum, Heywood purchased her a KitchenAid Proline burr coffee grinder which arrived yesterday. Trying hard not to bore the followers of this blog, (if they do still exist), a burr grinder offers a more consistent grind to the beans without heating them up which affects the flavor. Mrs. Heywood, the Chef, and Heywood Jablome himself sat down to sample some cafe from this new grinder. The verdict...AMAZING.

After loading the hopper with the Mrs. favorite roast, the grinder was put to work. The desired coarse grind for the french press was achieved to perfection. Coffee beans where ground uniform as expected from a burr grinder of good reputation. The machine was quiet and surprisingly quick. Due to some combination of the slow speed motor and the glass catch basin, there was no static cling. There is no timer, but who really needs one anyway for a process that only takes ten seconds. After brewing the coffee in a french press, no sludge was found at the bottom of the glasses, which can be caused by a nonuniform grind. This is common place with the crappy blade grinder that Papa Jablome passed along to this casa. Truly, this is an incredible machine. Advice to all who brew coffee at home, buy a KitchenAid grinder and be Merry. Bad news, Mrs. Jablome was chipping her teeth while nagging about everything once she consumed her cup.

One last thing, here is the most recent photo of Al and Fred I could find. Sweet Dreams.

Thought for 2009

2008-12-31T10:44:00.001-05:00

Happy Kisses, Moveitfred.

yu-AL

2008-12-08T18:02:00.003-05:00

Hi Friends! Fred and Heywood shared their holiday card with me, and I wanted to share it with all of you:

"Dear Al: a Joyous Noel to you. Felice Navidad! Heywood and I are doing well on our man-retreat. Today we made pemmican. Together. Tonight is the big drum ceremony. Tomorrow we're all doing a sweat. "Man-fun!" as we say. Just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.

--Fred"

Happy Holidays

2008-12-07T23:00:00.000-05:00

renewab-AL?

2008-11-23T11:06:00.004-05:00

Hello all. Long time no post. Here's the update. Today, I am 2 months out of surgery. I have very little pain except when I sit for more than about 5-10 minutes. When I do that I get a quick wake up call to stand and move.

I am walking 4-5 miles a day at a good pace. I do this 6 days a week. I am lifting lightly with a good deal of restriction. I am swimming with some regularity. I do a good deal of ab work, and overall I am getting stronger. But my flexibility sucks!!!!!!!!! I am not allowed to do anything where I bend my upper body over my lower body (bending at the waist activities are a no no). So stretching is tuff. I stand and put my legs up on things. I lay on my back and pull those legs in. I twist and turn on the floor. But I feel like I've got some painful, hard substance in my back when I stretch. I've made some progress, but flexibility is SLOW to improve. I have not really ridden the bike at all, either. I can't sit for long so the spin bike is hard. (I've done some 10-15 minute sessions but then I get real uncomfy.) Riding on the road is out until spring. I also have not run at all. I can start that in a limited fashion after the new year. BUT I AM NERVOUS.

My surgeon is a friend of mine. He and I were BSing about my spine last night. He explains the area as " a sick disk." The disk herneated as badly as it did because of this "sickness." It will always be a point of weakness, even though surgery remedied the immediate problem. I can build my core to protect it (as much as possible). But it will always be prone to injury, an area of reduced flexibility, a source of soreness etc. The nature of the "sick disk" is to spray that material out of proper position in the cavity whenever pressure is applied. As it stands now, I've got way less disk material than before. If a herneation happens again, I'm looking at spinal fusion. Spinal fusion is a motherfucker.

The plan...I've kept myself in the best shape I can. I have not allowed myself to gain any weight. (Still at 172, which is a good weight for me.) I am feeling fit. But I'm sure my CV fitness has diminished. I plan to start running lightly after new year. I'll begin by mixing a mile in here and there with my walks. I've got some well groomed trails near the house. The ground is softer than the pavement. That's where I'll work on building up a run base through the winter. Come spring, I'll take to the road and get back on the bike. This will get the CV Fit back up. I do not plan to go anywhere near my old running mileage. (I used to log 40 miles running each week.) I do not intend to do more than 20-25 miles per week running, once I'm back at it full bore. My plan is to increase the swim miles, increase the bike miles, mix in the fast paced walking, and stay with lifting. I also do not plan to do anymore long runs (nothing beyond 8-10 miles max). And I will not race anymore long run races. (No run races beyond about a 10k.) I'll also focus on the sprint tri category. I'd love to get back to Olympic Tris...we'll see.

For 09, I'll be VERY happy if I can get myself ready for a Sprint Tri. My goal (right now) is to get my ass in that ICE COLD L.I. Sound for the Ironclad Tri in May.

That's the goal....we shall see.

Oh... and enjoy this pic of my hairy, scarred back. It is truly amazing how much work they can do, now, through a very small incision. My buddy had a similar surgery 5 years ago. His scar is 5 times as long as mine.

Things to do

2008-11-16T11:36:00.002-05:00

Moveitfred needs to rake leaves and kill a rooster.

Thanks for reading.

Why me?

2008-11-12T14:46:00.004-05:00

These last two months have been depressing for the competitor in me. After experiencing cross last year for the first time, I was eager to ring in this season with a new bike, new found fitness, and new excitement for racing. I was going to see Gloucester for the first time, with my pals Moveitfred and Meg racing next to me. Like always, things just don’t work out as Heywood the Great planned.

The bike was to be a Cannondale Cyclocross 2. SRAM Force and all. This is one of the brands that Auburn Bike Works carries and the only place I will buy a bike (I work there part time). Yeah. Cannondale missed the boat and did not produce enough bikes to fill the orders. But they will have some ready for purchase mid December. Nice timing!

Ok, the other brand Auburn Bike Works carries, Giant. I can ride a Giant. It is still a CX bike and I need one badly. Oh, they also missed the boat this year. According to Giant, they sold the same number of CX bikes in ALL of last year in only two weeks this year. So, here they are loosing out to there competitors and fucking the little guy like me. How am I supposed to get my ass dragged around the course if I don’t have a bike to ride? What the hell is up with these two companies?

I been forced to watch and cheer at races this year with a tear falling down the cheek. Reading about the races on VeloNews is not helping either. There is always next year, right?

Maybe I should reconstruct the white trash ghetto cross bike of last year?

G-Content

2008-10-13T16:13:00.002-04:00

Al gettin' all bunched because Freddo didn't provide any content to go along with the pic at Gloucester.

Content:

Freakin' uncrosslike warm, dusty, dry John Wayne Kill 'Dem Injuns conditions at the venue, Moveitfred no racey cause his po wittle elbow sore, the usual fast-cats rippin' up the course, Sachsies always have the best bikes, JD killer course setup and remembered the effin' cowbells on day 2 (thanks a BUNCH JD!), Andrew at CX mag coming through with a stylin' T for our hero, Mo B-Roy looking dapper in the new kit, freakin' Orange Wookie Gewilli commanding a venue prescence, Trackrich manhandling a chain on day 1 and scoring spot 10 on day 2, Sisson twittering allllll day, Artist Formerly Known As Felt sporting the Giro-esque black kit on a PINK zank, Ctodd somewhere, Solo leaving early to get back to the foundry, awesome brauts, oh that runup on day 2, Richie and Deb and the Twizzlers, Beer Garden!, then there's Meg, and a lovely two days in the sun with the fam.

Moveitfred scored some comp housing out in Lexington with the smaaaties compliments of the neighbors who have a 3 acre plot and farmhouse. Beautiful little intellects in that area. Moveitfred hung out at the local Peet's in the a.m. and wanted to kill people on day 2. How many of you would like to go through life wearing your base-grey Haaavad T and debating theories of 18th Century Chinese language/character development in the rural disaspora? At 7a.m. on a Sunday?

Shit, ain't the Sox in the playoffs?

Hey, great weekend Gloucester. See yas next time.

Mmmmm...good

2008-10-13T00:27:00.002-04:00

Gloucester effin' rocks.

surgic-AL

2008-09-26T09:45:00.002-04:00

Al has returned from the world of the anesthetized better, stronger, faster.

On Tuesday, 9/23 I went in for spinal surgery. I had a very big piece of the L3 disc removed. This herneation has been the source of my problems, and it had reached a point where surgery was necessary. I was numb on my left side from my abdomen to my ankle. I would get strange, tingling / electric shocks down the side. My muscles were weakening, and I was having trouble controlling my leg function on the left side.

I had a laminectomy / diskectomy (microdiskectomy) done to remove the herneated disc material. The pic above shows the basic procedure, although the surgeon I used has a less invasive procedure so my incision was smaller than above.

Today is Friday, and I am up and walking about and doing well. I think this is because I went into the surgery in very good shape. Although I haven't been able to run since May, I've been biking and swimming and walking and doing some "modified" weight training.

The surgery was a long one (about 3 hours). I don't remember much from Tuesday. I do remember being up all night Tuesday with discomfort and NOISE. The discomfort is a common thing with spinal surgery. It is hard to sit or lay down. Walking about seems to be the easiest thing for me. So I just shuffled around most of the night/next day at the hospital. And, with all that time on my hands in the hospital, I came up with a few ideas to improve the hospital experience:

1) Hospitals are fucking LOUD. I guess if you're a rich fat cat you can afford a private room. Dude's like us get four to a rooms. Every five minutes (NO EXAGGERATION) a nurse or doctor or orderly was coming in to do something ALL NIGHT LONG. So my first improvement is a small hard plastic divider system I've devised. It keeps things quiet, keeps you separate...nice.

2) Signage is very important in the hospital, I noticed. I was in the "neurology" recovery area. Mostly, there were stroke victims and other neurological patients who were "recovering." I say "recovering" because they appeared to me to be going the other direction. Not pretty. Anyway, every patient had multiple signs over his/her bed:
Strict Monitor I/O s
Monitor / Measure Urines
and my personal favorite
Nothing by Mouth

I guess this all makes sense. You've got changing shifts, different nurses, different doctors, troupes of residents coming through. Clear signs make safe patients. So I got on board and made my own sign to post above my bed:

NOTHING IN ASS

With all those pumps and hoses and gung ho RNs I figured I couldn't be too careful.

So now I'm just recovering. I don't have much pain, just the previously mentioned discomfort. My doc tells me I'll be lightly biking in a few weeks. I start weight PT about that time too. For now, I'm pacing and healing. All is well.

Rumors of Al's Demise

2008-09-24T21:39:00.004-04:00

have been greatly exaggerated, fyi.

Speaking of Train Wrecks

2008-09-19T18:48:00.002-04:00

Our hero, Al, is currently dreaming up some sort of fucking Frankenbike that's going to be sporting a--better sit down for this one--Rohloff 14-speeder hub.

Al claims he's going to be The Master of Disaster with this new setup. He's going to take on the urban jungles of the north shore of Long Island, blast open a new aesthetic for travel, and kick the shit out of the lycramodel set now clogging the roadways.

Let us, too, send our heartfelt wishes for success and healing to the meritorious Al. The knife awaits him. The docs are going in. He'll be sporting a new chassis in a couple of days.

Godspeed Al.

Centenni-AL

2008-07-19T08:25:00.004-04:00

A few things to report...

First, the back injury is really progressing. The pain is mostly gone. I've still got some ache and some tingling down the leg at times, but none of the real agony I had after the injury. And much of my flexibility and strength has returned. I'm walking, swimming, biking, stretching, and doing light weight training to rehab and strengthen the body.

Second, I've broken 100 on the new bike. I'm happy to report that in 2 weeks I've logged 125 miles on the Sampson. These are not big miles, but I'm pretty happy with my progress. My standard ride is a 15 miler now, and I am moving along pretty well through a mix of hills and flats. Next week, I'm going to bump up to 20 mile rides and see how I feel.

Third, Monday I go for my (hopefully) last round of epidur-AL steroids. I really hope it is my last!!! I can't begin to tell you how rough these are on the system. Maybe it is just me but I have been majorly side-effected (as I've mentione before):

My resting heart rate (usually at 48 bpm) is now about 74. I get these heart racing moments where, inexplicably, I feel like I've just run up a flight of stairs. I have trouble falling asleep, and I wake up, frequently, with my heart pounding away. I get hot flashes (to accompany the heart racing) where I'm suddenly bathed in sweat. And I am one moody motherfucker! Right now (at the end of a cycle of 'roids) I'm so edgy and irritable. And, frequently, I'm in these black moods. (I think of them as my "grrrrrr, FUCK OFF!" moods.) I'm willing to bet that after Monday (next set of injections) the emotional roller coaster will level for a while, and I'll feel great again...for a while. SUCKS! BUT...it's better than back surgery and better than the pain and debilitation I was going through.

I'm a doper. What can I do?

And speaking of dopers, how 'bout that TDF? What fun!

Here's an interesting essay that suggests that maybe the TDF should say au revoir for a while.

All for now...

chemic-AL

2008-07-03T15:26:00.006-04:00

In which AL says, "Roids are rough."

I've got more chemicals flowing through me than the Festina team in '98. I've gone through 2 rounds or oral steroids and 2 epidural roid injections in the spine. The bad news is I am seriously side effected: irritable as hell, insomniac-AL, hot flashing all the time, anxious and jumpy. The good news is my back is doing much better. My symptoms now are intermittent light ache that travels down the leg, some weakness on the left side, and periodic numbness and tingling. This is a MAJOR IMPROVEMENT. 3 weeks ago I was essentially crippled on the left side and in agony. I've even started to get out and about a bit. I walked for a 1/2 hour yesterday. I swam a bit the other day (floundering mostly). And......

TODAY I HAD MY FIRST ROAD RIDE SINCE THE INJURY!!!! And I am psyched.

Like a kid on Christmas morning, I unpacked my new Sampson Road Racing Bike this morning.

Now I must thank Freddy for his help with customizing the build kit for me and with the wheel build specs. He advised me well, and I absolutely love the build:

The bike is a Ti frame with a Campy Centaur group (except Chorus brake/shifters). The wheels: Mavic Open Pros, Centaur hubs, 14-15 DB spokes.

It took me about an hour to put it together. I had a wee bit of trouble with a USE Alien seatpost. These big clumsy fingers weren't working well with the rail clamps. Anyway, got 'er done:

I got out for a nice easy 10 mile ride. WHAT A DREAM!!! I've just never ridden anything like it. Responsive, smooth, absolutely plush, but still rigid and really light. Just unreal road feel and control and response. I'm ecstatic. And, even more importantly, my body responded well. I had only some back fatigue afterward but no pain or numbness or return of symptoms.(I left the steerer long and stacked the stem up a bit. I am going to take it as easy as I can on the back for a while. I can always cut and remove the spacers.) I'm very psyched. a home run...er...yellow shirt...all the way around.

The game plan from here: in two weeks I will get another shot in the spine. If the symptoms continue to diminish or remain as they are, no surgery. If they return/get worse, we'll re-evaluate. The good thing is I can start back to modified activity and muscle rehab.

Hey...anyone ever do any pool running? Not deep water running. I'm talking about the shallow water stuff. Any info appreciated.

--AL

Word Fun

2008-07-02T12:47:00.002-04:00

From the Washington Post:

>>>>>>
The American Family Association obviously didn't foresee the problems that might arise with its strict policy to always replace the word "gay" with "homosexual" on the Web site of its Christian news outlet, OneNewsNow. The group's automated system for changing the forbidden word wound up publishing a story about a world-class sprinter named "Tyson Homosexual" who qualified this week for the Beijing Olympics.

The problem: Tyson's real last name is Gay. Therefore, OneNewsNow's reliable software changed the Associated Press story about Tyson Gay's amazing Olympic qualifying trial to read this way:

Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.
His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn't count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here's what does matter: Homosexual qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he's certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

"It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."
<<<<<<<<<

This reminds Moveitfred of the time The Modesto Star Express ran a story on Heywood. Something about Woody single-handedly pulling a driver and his mistress to safety from a horrific I-5 raisin truck explosion.

Tired of jr. high pranksters always making light of "potty words" that appeared in hard news copy, the editors installed a similar software program that flagged the "blo" in our hero's name and turned it into JaFellatiome.

You go to Heywood's house these days and you'll see copies of the story framed all over the walls with the "fellatio" carefully struck out and the word "blo" neatly written in underneath.

Test 'Em

2008-06-27T22:06:00.004-04:00

Boys, Moveitfred knows you two're still struggling to shed that off-season weight.

You might want to consider this, just as an approach to solving that annoying bounce (until, you know, you get it all taken care of).

Moveitfred suggests going big and hard, if you know what he means.

biblic-AL

2008-06-22T12:49:00.002-04:00

The new Sampson I'm having built up. Doing it with a Centaur/Chorus group. (Fuck you, I refuse to say "gruppo." And I don't go to Starbucks, but if i did, I'd only say "large." )

herniat-AL

2008-06-21T15:28:00.002-04:00

In which Al says, "OW! FUCK!"

I have fucked myself good and hard. 2 weeks ago, while ripping up flooring, carrying in wallboard, moving in and out cabinets, moving appliances, I severely herneated 2 discs in my back. This caused severe impingement on the nerve and essentially crippled me.

I'm doing a lot better now. I'm still in a good deal of pain and am not moving well. I still have a lot of limitation on movement and numbness/tingling down my left side. My tri season is over. BUT...The good news is that I am responding well to steroid therapy (2nd round of oral right now). Next week, I'll probably have a process where a specialist will use a fluoroscope and go in and inject 'roids right into the herneation. This is supposed to be very effective. Then we shall see. I've got a lot of impingement on the nerve which is causing the numbness, tingling, and muscle weakness. This is problematic as it can cause permanent damage. If the 'roids don't improve this, then I'll need at least one surgery. I'm hoping the AH-NOLD approach will work, and I won't need the cut job.

To make myself feel better, I just bought a nice Sampson Ti road frame, and I'm having it built up with a SRAM build kit. Pics shortly. I'm selling off the TT bike. Fuck it. My plan is to be well enough to ride in the RAC (Ride Around the College) with Fred at Summer's end.

Friday Night Fiasco

2008-06-20T22:04:00.008-04:00

Just a few fotogs from the friday night racing out on the beautiful east end of the island paradise.

Oh, and this is what happens when you "make boo-boo" at the end of the race. Free night in the ER, stunning neck brace, and a stiff bed. This is how Moveitfred's race ended, but Moveitfred was nowhere near the pavement dance. Moveitfred peeled off early because God told him something like this might happen.

And Moveitfred is going to keep his opinions to himself about that whole thing.

Apples and Als

2008-06-09T10:20:00.004-04:00

Gwad recently asked the intriguing question: whatever happened to Fiona Apple?

Moveitfred believes the answer can be found in the catacombs and secret spots of Al's home reno project.

Recently Al has taken on the affectation of a disturbed criminal mind. Before leaving the factory he will often shuffle up to Moveitfred and quip: "Time to go home now and have a bite of my apple...." He'll then punch the clock and hump it out to his rusted-out, circa 1977 Dodge van.

It's all very creepy.

Moveitfred believes that if Ms. Apple is not spotted soon someone needs to call the authorities.

individu-AL

2008-06-09T09:04:00.002-04:00

Al here, you there. al is feeling very battered from several weeks of labor on the home reno project. We're coming along. Pics soon.

Al has the Long Island Goldcoast tri this weekend, Father's Day. This is a Sprint Tri, and, after the week we're having here, I doubt the water temp will be an issue. 90s and 909% humidity for several days. Nice training weather...NOT!

Anyway, here's a little something for Yogi Fred. (Off to class tonight, Fred-o?) I Think I'm beginning to understand what motivates you...

Pigs around Heywood's House

2008-05-27T20:44:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since I have been on the road bike with the Chef. He has the pesky knee pain ever since Super Bowl Sunday which has greatly reduced the types of rides he is capable of doing. Yes, that is approaching four months ago and it still bugs him. An occasional ride with the local ladies club is about all he can handle without causing severe pain. By the way, all the girls in this club have a similar riding position to Al B so this should explain why they go so leisurely down the road.

Finally the two of us were able to get out on the bike together for a beautiful ride in the hills around town. First I should explain to the readers of this fine blog that we each were riding our own bike. For some reason with partners like Al and Fred, I feel I have to explain this. Anyway, I was planning to ride for 4-5 hours while the Chef only had a few hours before his shift started at the factory. After an hour or so, the Chef turned around and headed for home.

The area we were riding is not very populated. Most would call it rural. Few people, less cars, and even fewer cyclists. While the Chef is coming down the hill towards a three-way intersection, he glances around for the rare car and sees none. He then proceeds to run the intersection. What he didn’t see was the pig (California Highway Patrol) parked under a tree a few hundred feet away from the corner. What he did see was the lights of the pig’s car that were turned on instantaneously after he ran the stop sign. That cock sucker (the CHP guy, not the Chef) whipped out his ticket book and filled it out. Actually gave the Chef a ticket for running a stop sign in the middle of nowhere. What a freaking joke. No cars, no pedestrians, and he still got a $300 ticket.

In California, this ticket goes on the driving record just as if you were driving a car. What a crock of SHIT. His insurance will go up now plus he will pay the fine. One does not even need a license to ride a bike but if one possesses a CA driver’s license, all moving violations in a motorized vehicle or not are attached to it. BULL SHIT! I personally have not had too many bad experiences with the law but it sure is understandable why they are despised of by so many.

therm-AL

2008-05-24T20:50:00.002-04:00

FUCK! It was cold.

Al completed the Ironclad Triathlon this morning.(Sprint tri: The swim course was .5, the bike 13.5, the run a 5k.) Al jumped in the fucking LI Sound (55 degrees, fuck burr!) at 7:30 this AM. This was my first open water of the season. The new wetsuit was great. My trunk was fine; head, hands, feet iced over quickly and went numb, so there wasn't much pain there after the first minute or so. So all went pretty well with this leg. There were about 150-200 people in my swim wave. Things were a bit hectic at the start. I decided (since it was the first of the season) to be low key. I hung back and got in after about 1/2-3/4 were gone. This proved a bit ill-advosed. Conditions were awesome (not including the floating ice sheets), without chop or current, Al was cooking. I was up the ass of the group in front of me. It wasn't until about 1/2 way through the swim that I found clear water (after much pushing, shoving, jostling and passing) and a comfortable spot out ahead of the group I jumped in with.

T 1 was interesting. There was a STEEP hill up to the T area along sand then grass then pavement. Everyone was bitching about this because it really was a long steep haul (3/8ths of a mile, I'd guess). Al expeditiously got out of the wetsuit but had some trouble using hands and feet. This T was definitely slowed by numbness. C'est la..

Bike route was 2 loops of a rather uniform almost 7 mile course--downhill out, uphill back. I moved better on the second loop. First loop was all about getting some warmth back in the bod. (And this is not done easily when you're in a skimpy shirt and shorts and biking quickly in 60 degree temps). Only one really interesting note. Al did go down. Right before the last turn into the T area, Al was pumping hard and out ahead of a pack. The douchebag copper who was supposed to be working the intersection was yapping on his cell phone. Al came into the turn hard and found a car coming in from the other direction. Dick-head cop was supposed to stop traffic. Al assumed he would. He did not. He was too busy with, "can you hear me now?" Anyway, Al went full lock to stay clear of the motorist. I stopped with room to spare, but my shoes slid on the pave when I foot dabbed, and I went down. No harm though. I popped up and went on (with a yell over the shoulder of, "thanks asshole" to Johnny-Law). Al, after-all, is a rebel.

T2 was better for Al: the transition run up in bike shoes was short and on grass--easier than paved run up. I slapped on a cap, stamped into the kicks, and I was outta there.

The run was powerful cool. It was a trail 5k through Wellwyn preserve in Glen Cove. This is a lush foresty setting with a good deal of twisty-turny up and down. Big old or second growth trees abound, and there is plenty of shade. (Just so you know: Al is middle pack in the agua and mediocre, at best, on the bike, and marginally respectable on the run.) The tight trail run made passing interesting, but Al made it happen. I slammed through the run holding, I believe, sub 7:30s through the trails. The finish was a bit crowded, but Al pulled down a 1:38 hi and finished 13th in his age group.

Some pics:

refus-AL

2008-05-20T05:54:00.002-04:00

Al cannot take the blame for Fred's problems. Fred is paranoid.

And gay.

The gay thing I completely support. I understand that Fred wants to keep it "in the closet." And I'm ok with that. (I don't like the ass slaps, the 'hey big fella's, the crying 'hold me's, and the curtains he hung up on the office window, but I support his rights, man.)

The paranoia is a whole other thing, though. Fred. Fred. Listen to me...

I'm not Mr. Lebowski; you're Mr.
Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's
what you call me. That, or Duder.
His Dudeness. Or El Duderino, if,
you know, you're not into the whole
brevity thing...

Al Is Persecuting Moveitfred

2008-05-19T14:08:00.003-04:00

This is a public service announcement. Al Bangorhard is persecuting Moveitfred. Al is relentless, cunning, and deceptive. This is premeditated madness.

Al is not to be trusted.

Toss

2008-05-16T19:57:00.007-04:00

Moveitfred knows that every cycling brain donor in blogosphere is linking this clip of Millar tossing one off in the Giro, yet what's yawking Moveitfred's chain (so to speak)is all the douchebags splurking on and on about their "disappointment" and "outrage" at the dopey Brit.

Moveitfred would love to see these douches pecking away at the keyboards in their little cubicles. "Millar has no respect for the sport or his sponsors...."

Bwaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Moveitfred once tossed his Davidson across the yard and against a tree because the fucking brake pads were rubbing. Moveitfred is such a badass! Moveitfred wanted to toss the piece of shit up into the tree and let it rot, but the combination of old-school steel (circa 1980's) and his limp-wristed physique left the bike kind of skittering across the grass and into the maple's root system.

Moveitfred, however, made his point loud and clear.

Crimanimalz

2008-05-15T19:58:00.002-04:00

Kicking some ass in Los Angeles last week.

Moveitfred pussed out riding his bike around the secretary's desk at the factory. Sheeet. Al, we's got some work to do.

indestructib-AL etc.

2008-05-11T09:26:00.004-04:00

This is one of those posts that has a lot of shit in it. I'm sitting in a Greenwich, CT hotel lobby drinking a pot of coffee while the mrs. does a spa treatment. (Weekend away for Mother's day, y'all.) So I've got some time on my hands...

1) Al K. accompanied me the other day to Runner's Edge for our new Wetsuits. We both got QR Ultrafull's. Cold water training will commense ASAP.

2) Related to #1, I've got the Ironclad Tri in Glen Cove on the 24th. This is a sprint tri, so the swim is only a 1/2 mile. BUT current avg. water temp is 56 degrees. I'm told it will climb a degree or so over the next 2 weeks. Awesome! I'm very glad I've invested in a full suit. prior to this, I only had a John (sleeveless) suit. No way a big pussy like me could do this tri in a cut suit.

3)I just finished kitting out my commuter bike. My trip to work is from a park and ride that's about 1/2 way to the factory. The trip is about 17 miles each way. HOWEVER...the roads SUCK. Pitted, potted, debris strewn etc. So I converted my MTB to a bomber commuter. I slapped on a Surly rigid fork and some killer armadillo slicks. A few other tweeks here and there completed the project. I'll put up pics at some point.

4) Fred staged a duathlon out East yesterday. I missed this, being away. But Al K told me it was a kick ass success. I'm looking forward to the next one. Fred makes things happen. He's a do-er. In that spirit...this vids for you, Freddy.

canc-AL

2008-05-07T07:15:00.003-04:00

Al intervenes...

Sorry Fred. But the image of that big bastards balls blinding that poor chick was causing me to taste bile every time I entered the blog. I had to take it down.

Please forgive me.

nob-AL?

2008-05-05T17:54:00.002-04:00

To be, or not to be, that is the question...

Al has some thinking to do...

So, today I did a little research. and what I found sent my mind spinning a bit.

First, a little background: as I told you in a recent post, I'm back to (or close to) my best 1/2 marathon times. Though my best times were 10 years old (when I was 29), I'm matching those now. This got me thinking and looking about. Like any marathoner, I'd love to run Boston. Many people run it (they just jump in and run in the mix unofficial or they buy a number from an injured party or they do a fund raiser and get special access). Only a select number qualify and run it "officially." It is considered the premier marathon event.

Now back in the day, my marathon PR was a 3:16 and change. I wanted to do Boston, but my qualifying time then was 3:10. I just couldn't get there. But, on the next running of the Boston (4/09), I'll be 40. My qualifying time for that is 3:20. Back in the day, I ran a number of marathons at sub 3:20. I ran 7 or 8 in the 3:17-3:19 range.

So here is what I'm asking myself: self, if you can get yourself back to almost PR time for your 1/2 marathon...can't you do the same for your marathon time? If I do that, or even close, I'll qualify for Boston. Wouldn't it be cool to do Boston on your 40th? The voice says.

Here are the problems with that thought line:

I'm jumping into the tri season with both feet this year. I'm booked up for tris through late August. I'll need to qualify for Boston in a Fall marathon, if I hope to do it in my 40th year. That doesn't leave me much time.
Even if I decide to cut short my tri season (say...skip the last tri I'm signed up for?) I have no way of knowing if I can whip these bones back into my past-best marathon shape.
I'm in the NYC marathon lottery. If I get into that one, I'll be psyched. I haven't gotten into NYC since 02, though I've done the lottery each year. BUT...NYC is not a fast course. I'm thinking that I might need every bit of help I can get. One usually chooses a flat/fast course to try and bag a PR. But the little voice says, grow a bag. Think how great it would be to qualify in a tough marathon on your home turf.

Oh decisions, decisions...

Tea

2008-05-04T23:50:00.004-04:00

Al is very healthy. He is very into tea. Especially in the office.

Good for Al.

Just keep your used teabags off Fred's desk, m'kay buddy?

comic-AL

2008-05-04T17:52:00.002-04:00

If you ain't laughin', you cryin'...

conferr-AL

2008-05-04T12:21:00.005-04:00

Al and Fred may now rest...

It was an eventful weekend for Al ... and for Fred too (to a lesser extent).
Al and Fred were responsible for putting together the first annual Acme Mechanical Equipment Tool and Die Festival: A Celebration of Tool and Die Manufacturing. This event was a rousing success, bringing together the best in tool and die manufacturing from our region. It took a good deal of planning and work to pull off this event, but we did it.

Al also ran the Long Island 1/2 today, 5/4.
I ran the race in about 1:37.30. The exact time has yet to be posted. I had 1:38 at the finish, but my adjusted time will be about 30 seconds or so faster...it took a while to get over the start line with all the racers starting at once. I'm happy with this time. I was doing about 7:30s or a few seconds faster for the race.

Last year's LI Marathon time for AL = 1:38.39

I looked back at some more of my times from 10 years ago. I'm happy to see that I'm still in the same zone I was: Brooklyn 1/2 in March of 1998 = 1:37.33; Bronx 1/2 in July of 1998 = 1:36.19 ; Grete's gallop (a 1/2 in Central Park) in 10/99 = 1:39.36 ; Staten Island 1/2 in 10/99 = 1:35.06.

A lot happened for me in those 10 years. I got married. Became a dad 2x over. Moved 4x. Put on 35 pounds. (And boy was I slow as shit when I put that weight on...Brooklyn 1/2 in 03 = 1:56.07.) Lost 35 pounds. Changed jobs 2x. Aged from 29-39. Started triathloning. And a lot of other silly shit like this. Anyway...the gist of all this is that I feel pretty good about finding my way back after losing it in my mid 30s. That's all.

A Story About Al and Fred

2008-04-11T09:28:00.009-04:00

A few weeks ago at the factory Boss-man came out from his windowless office (pulling up his drawers while the new hire from the cafeteria beat a hasty retreat back to her station at the soup counter), hit the stop button on the line, and barked out an announcement:

"Attention, Pieces of Shit. Corporate threw a few bucks our way for you scum to do what we like to call 'retraining.' This means you fuck-nuts can take a little R&R at a hot spot like Camden or Bridgeport, pick up some tips on streamlining the assembly line from another factory, try not to get yourselves arrested, and then get your asses back to work here."

Boss-man is such an asshole. Al once lost his cool and called him a "fat fuck" right to his face. Nearly got himself canned.

Later that day at lunch, Al and Fred broke open the Black Domes and hatched a joke. They'd apply for Boss-man's "retraining" offer, but construct an argument for something completely absurd and irrelevant--some sort of "program" that would would have nothing to do with the assembly line and amount to a paid vacation of greed and debauchery for our heroes. Stick it to the man, so to speak.

Al and Fred would apply to...ready for this?...become students at UCLA out in the warm Cali sunshine for a year. Freakin' nuts, right? Who is their right mind would....

You ready for the punchline?

Boss-man bought it. Every bit of it. Hook, line, and wiggly slab of bait.

Here is Boss-man:

And here's where you'll find Al and Fred next year:

Al and Fred have already signed up for this. Oh Sweet Mary, the boys have really pulled off a coup this time!

invisib-AL

2008-04-01T21:05:00.003-04:00

Today, Fred and Al were sent to a "training" session at the factory. The training was designed to teach us how to use new machinery and maximize our worker-energy microwattage. At about 3 PM, I had had my fill of being trained. I did what any red blooded American would do. I faked a groin pull. I lay writhing and moaning on the floor while my co-workers debated whether ice or deep tissue massage would be appropriate. Now normally, I'd be all for the deep tissue. But Fred had his sleeves pushed up and was jumping up and down yipping, "I'll do it! I'll do it!" So I screamed, "for the love of god, get me ice!" My fellow cogs ran about like rats from a sinking ship looking for cold compresses to ease my discomfort. In the chaos that ensued, I made a hasty exit.

After high-tailing it out of there (leaving my co workers holding the ice bag) I went for a nice 6 in the woods. I did the 3 mile loop at Bethpage SP 2x. It was wet but not too sloppy. In all, a nice easy run where I held 8:15s for the 6.

Part II: Performance Enhancement revisited

If you've paid attention to the sports headlines, you've seen that since Speedo unveiled its new Fastskin suit, the LZR Racer, in February, 6 world records have been broken by swimmers wearing the suit. The Fastskin suits create a slippery and impermeable layer that dramatically reduces drag, compresses muscles to improve performance and efficiency, and improves buoyancy. Controversy surround this sort of enhancement and has been there since these types of suit were first approved for competitive swim. Another major issue revolves around licensing. Certain teams--countries--can not use these suits because of licensing agreements. Many argue that this gives some teams an unfair advantage. We all know that this sort of equipment "upgrade" causes controversy in any sport: baseball, cycling, golf even Tennis. But the limited availability of the technology may be the source of even deeper controversy than is typical. Thoughts?

Part III
This equipment reminds me of the wetsuit "issue" in triathlon (only tangentially but...) I won't say it is really an issue. It is more of a point of discussion. There are many weaker swimmers who rely on full wetsuits even in warm water swims because of the buoyancy enhancement that wetsuits give. Tri suit manufacturers play to this and build the most buoyant wetsuits out there; and, not surprisingly, the most popular tri suits are the lightest and most buoyant suits. In short, BUOYANCY SELLS when it comes to tri suits. The ITU (International Triathlon Union) has set guidelines for tri wetsuit usage. These revolve, primarily, around the water temp (taken 1 day prior to race). Essentially, there is a temp range for each tri length within which it is permissible to use a suit. If it is warmer than the range, technically, suits are not allowed. The thing is this...in most trithlons, this rule is not applied. Anyone can use a suit regardless of temp. Only in the most competitive USAT races is this rule enforced. The reasons for this revolve around "performance issues." Many swimmers would perfomr poorly (and probably wouldn't compete) without a wetsuit. Organizers might worry (legitimately) that some swimmers would get into trouble and need rescue without a wetsuit.

I'm not sure of my stance on this. I can say that I don't enter a tri if I feel I can't "do it" without enhancement. I can swim the length with/without a suit. I am not fast, but I can "do" all three legs in any race I enter. I guess I feel that this should be the approach of all competitors. But I understand how equipment may mean access for some. It is an interesting topic. Thoughts?

spiritu-AL

2008-03-18T14:41:00.003-04:00

This is just a brief post to wish you, those of you who are observant, a happy and healthy holiday time. Al is always sensitive to the beliefs and traditions of his audience. And it is in this spirit that he shares this message.

Now to "switch" topics...

Al will soon head south for an important moment in his childrens' lives: the viewing of the rat. Al's head is full of important questions about this momentous occasion:

Will the hotel have a decent gym?
How many pairs of running shoes should I carry?
Do I bother to rent a bike to get in a ride if we're only gone 5 days?
Will my son spew chunks if I take him on Space Mountain?

Wish me luck.

surgic-AL

2008-03-14T08:01:00.004-04:00

Wood is down.

The poor fuck, Heywood, found out he's got a torn meniscus. After having 3 knee surgeries myself, I can commiserate...it sucks. (In my experience, a tear in the meniscus=certain surgery or no more athletics.) I'm sure many of you out there can offer your thoughts to Heywood on this. Knees ain't built to last, it seems. So here's my list of thoughts. You add yours in comments:
1. Get well soon. Don't despair...you'll come back. I've done many tris and marathons since my last surgery. You will too.
2. Find the best knee guy you can. Don't just go with an orthopedic surgeon...find one who specializes in knees. I was young and dumb with my first knee injury. The local guy "did me." I wound up needing that redone 3 years later. The other knee came later: a friend got me in to see the guy who scopes the NY Jets, for that knee. He was awesome. Really knew his stuff. And he was much more aggresive / intelligent with rehab than the other two times.
3. Start PT ASAP after surgery. Because you're an athlete, you're apt to think you can do your own rehab/PT. Resist this urge. Get going on PT ASAP.

Here are some funny things I found...
Running on road doesn't really hurt my knees. Any sort of cutting motions and trail running kill me. 10 miles on the road...no problem. So I still run, but I don't play Bball, football, racqetball, or trail run, really, anymore. Funny thing is you'd think trail running would be easier than road because of the soft turf. Not in my experience. My last surgery was 10 years ago...I seem to be doing ok so I just accept that some things are not "for me" anymore.

Some other things I do that help me...
Warm up well all the time. Easy spin, easy run, easy swim FIRST. No matter what I'm doing, I get blood going and build. I never go right at it.

Here's one that helped me a lot with running: shoe rotation. Shoes need gas recharge time. If you run in the same shoes each day, the cushioning is seriously compromised. I buy 3 pair at a time and rotate. They last just as long if not longer and provide better cushioning the whole time.

Smart weight training (well after you're fully rehabbed!) to maintain musculature around the knees. I never do heavy leg weight training nor radical motions anymore. (In college we did heavy squats, leaps, 1000 lb leg sleds etc...DUMB.) Now I do no-weight SLOW & BURN squats with a fixed range of motion--I never let my quad go below parallel to the floor and I take a 10 second pause/hold/fucking burn at the sit portion of the squat then come up SLOW. I also do low weight extensions in a similar manner--slow and burn and hold. Again, I wouldn't even think about this shit until well after you're fully rehabbed.

My father-in-law swears by shark cartilage and glucosamine/condroitin (or whatever the fuck it is) for his knee injury. I think this is bullshit and will wind up fucking up your liver/kidneys in the long run. Others can weigh in on this one.

Hang in there, brother.

charitab-AL

2008-03-12T12:06:00.004-04:00

Both Al and Fred have been subjected to American Idol by wives/kids this season. It's certainly had a negative effect on us. I've followed my natural bent and spun off even further into sickness and depravity. (I've been thinking that little miss Kristy Lee ain't as wholesome as she lets on. I'm waiting for the underground porn tape to surface. I'm picturing a vid phone mpeg, all jumpy and grainy and shot from dick level. Kristy Lee is all teary eyed and make-up smeared at the center of some truck stop bukkake circle.) Fred, too, has followed his natural bent. He's fantasizing about long walks and deep talks with Brooke White. He wants 7 grain veggie sandwich picnics and zinfandel beside a stream. He's all misty eyed, snapping his fingers and singing along with her.

So, in that spirit, I thought I'd offer this to Freddy: (And Fred...think of what she could do with your hair.)

Here's one other point I'd like to have considered--only tangentially related. What do you think of a broad who writes a song FULL of specific details about your life

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun

and then kicks you in the ass for vanity because you knew the song was about you? I mean what the fuck?

Just Confirms What We Already Knew...

2008-03-11T19:45:00.004-04:00

Mary Ann's a super freak, super freak, she's super freaky--YEAH!

Farrar Taps Pavement

2008-03-10T18:32:00.001-04:00

Farrar gambles and loses on the tight line in the Paris-Nice prologue. FFFFFFFF....uck!

Chute Paris Nice 2008 FARRAR Tyler
Uploaded by Maxio

Warm up, Stretch, Race

2008-03-10T00:16:00.006-04:00

Today, the mountain bike season officially started for us out here on the west coast (for me at least). First off, I would like to throw huge props out to Lisa (owner of Auburn Bike Works) and Sean Allen (local MTB rider) for making the 16th Annual Cool Mountain Bike Race a spectacular event once again. Year after year, these two, along with the help of many volunteers, do a magnificent job. This year three bikes were raffled off along with thousands of other bike stuff. The organization, location, and great prizes will usually draw huge crowds that include some top pros.

The weather couldn’t have been more perfect along with the trail conditions. Cool typically floods when anyone within a mile takes a leak in the bushes causing a muddy mess for all participants and spectators. Not the case this year due to the sunny skies that have blessed us the last two weeks. Riders had to navigate just a handful of water crossings and a few muddy sections. Fast is the way to describe this year’s course.

My goals for this race was to treat it like a hard training ride, whatever place that puts me in I would be happy with. From the start, I pushed hard to get myself away from the bumping and grinding that seems to happen until the riders get separated. Soon, I found myself all alone and not really knowing who was in front of me or who was behind me due to the large number of riders at the start. Shortly, I was picking off riders from the previous wave start with ease. At this point I was feeling really good. It wasn’t until after the first lap that I realized I might be near the front of my class. So I kinda threw the whole training ride to the curb and started pushing myself to the point of nausea. When the race was all said and done, I got a podium finish even after bumping up a class this year. Twenty minutes off last year’s race. Finally starting to see a marked improvement come from all the training put in this winter.

One very cool part of the race is the tiny bike class. This class is filled with local freeride/dirt jumping/down-hilling/urban/non-racing riders who would rather goof off than put on Lycra and race. The rules, bikes must have 16 inch wheels and cost no more than $40. They ride ½ lap and try to consume as much alcohol as possible in that short time frame. I hope to participate in this class soon if I could just convince my breathtaking wife to drive me home.

The Chef and Big Cat were unable to race this year due to some nagging injuries and a few nasty crashes. I hope to see them out on the trails soon.

bronchi-AL

2008-03-09T22:14:00.002-04:00

Al endures...

This AM brooks and I went down to the State Park for the LIRRC 10 miler. It was COLD!!! and WINDY!!! this early am. Temps were hovering at 30. Winds were gusty as hell. Wind chill had it near 5 degrees. Fahk!

I had wanted to run 7:30s. I ran 7:50s instead. I had some weirdness happen to me, and it freaked me out more than just a little. I was having these weird asthmatic-like wheeze attacks during the very open/windy sections of the run. The cold wind would tear into me, and I just could not breathe. I wheezed my way through those sections, feeling like I was drawing air through a straw. It sucked. My chest felt like it was spasming until a good hour or two post-race.

After I got home, I was ok. I got down to Tyvek-ing the exterior where the new doors and windows went in. Then I cam in and insulated the new walls. Much fun. we're coming along. And now, a little something for Fred (who is still contemplating activity). Oh and thanks to GVB for turning me on to this...

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

2008-03-09T10:54:00.015-04:00

Al and Fred are pleased to announce:

AL AND FRED'S 1ST ANNUAL NORTH SHORE UNDERGROUND DUATHLON!

WHEN: SATURDAY, MAY 10, 9 a.m.

WHERE: WEST MEADOW BEACH PARKING LOT, SETAUKET, NEW YORK

WHAT: 2 mile run / 12.5 mile bike / 2 mile run.

WHY: TO GET YOUR FAT ASS IN SHAPE BEFORE SUMMER.

WHO: BY INVITATION ONLY. ALL OTHERS WILL BE TAUNTED AND SHUNNED.

ENTRY FEE: ZERO.

Your pals Al and Fred are bringing to you a new concept in USA duathlon events. There is no entry fee, no waivers to sign, this is not for a cause, there will be no race numbers, course marshals or official timing. This is simply a bunch of people getting together and putting the hurt down on a Saturday morning. There will be a languid sense of organization to the whole affair. The truth is, it's not that difficult. You run, you ride your bike, you run again. If you know how to change your shoes you can probably wrap your brain around the complexity of this event.

The winner will get to pile into his/her car before everyone else and go home. 2nd place will get to do this next, 3rd after those two. Or stay at the beach, eat sandwiches, and drink. Al and Fred really don't care what you do. Just don't complain about the lack of organization, the fact that the bathrooms are locked, or "the pissy attitude" of "those two assholes" who put this whole thing together.

Some details (what little we know or care about at this point):

Both runs will be from the West Meadow Beach parking lot out to the end of Trustee's Road and back to the lot. That's about two miles for each run. You run AROUND the outside of the circle at the end of the road--these aren't suicides where you touch the end of the road with your foot and turn around.

When you get back to the lot from your first run you need to do whatever it is you need to do to be happy and comfortable on your bicycle (hardcore dualie-men call this the "transition zone"). You can do this in your car, under a towel, or out in the open. Al and Fred don't really care what you do.

The bike portion is basically this (for those of you who know the area): from the West Meadow lot go out to the tennis courts and turn left, up and over Mount Grey Road and turn left at Old Field Road, bust your ass out to the end (lighthouse), return on Old Field Road all the way to the post office, turn right past the Neighborhood House and turn right on Christian Ave, ride over the rolling hills down into Stony Brook Village, turn around down at the Stony Brook Yacht Club, come back up out of the village on Hollow Road, turn left on Cedar, right on Woodbine, and right on Christian, then turn left on Quaker to Mount Grey and get your slow ass back to the beach. Here's a link to the route: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=1681148

Change back into your running attire and get yourself out to the end of Trustee's Road and back again. Touch the chainlink fence at the parking lot. You're done.

Invitation: If Al or Fred contact you and say you can do it, you're invited. If you contact Al or Fred and either one gets back to you and says you can do it, you're invited. If Al and Fred ignore you, you do not fit in and you are not invited. Sorry, but this is like high school parties--there are the cool people who get invited, and then there is everybody else.

Liability: if you get yourself killed by some Three Village parent screaming down the road because his/her kids are late for soccer practice, don't come crying to Al or Fred. We don't care and don't want to hear your whining. THIS COURSE IS NOT CLOSED TO TRAFFIC. THERE ARE NO CROSSING GUARDS. WATCH YOUR TURNS. WEAR YOUR HELMET.

Cheaters: do us a favor and watch some Animal Planet this weekend. See how the pack treats those who don't fit in? Lots of nipping and bloody fur, right? That's what you can expect.

Despite what you've read so far, we're hoping lots of people come out and have a good time. Bring the kids. We're thinking/hoping there will be enough non-competitor members of the families around so that the kids can hang out at the beach with supervision and then we all come together when the pain is over for more eats and beach fun.

Bottom line is this, isn't it about time you got off your ass and got in shape? Summer's almost here. Do you want to look like this?

or this?

You decide. (And look, nobody said this thing was going to be P.C. or non-threatening or a bundle of loving goodness).

If you have a stupid question you can email Fred at: moveitfred at yahoo dot com. He might get back to you. (And, yes, Al and Fred are not our real names. See, truthfully this event "isn't happening." Know what we mean? Keep it secret, on the down-low, dig? If it's that important to you that you know who we really are you probably don't want to do this. Trust us).

port-AL

2008-03-08T19:10:00.007-05:00

Today Al endured a fucking DELUGE and installed the triple panel slider and a triple panel casement at the back of his house. Both window and door were delivered at 7 AM. I considered calling an audible and letting the project wait until tomorrow, but both door and window are unfinished wood. I just did not want to risk letting them sit out in the rain. So it was TO WORK:

Before

During:

After:

The job went very smoothly. There was some waiting around during absolute biblical downpours. But other than that...smooth. Tomorrow I've got to Tyvek and rigid board insulate the exterior where I cut down the old siding. I've also got insulation, sheetrock, and electrical work to do inside. (Not to mention molding, spackling, painting etc etc etc) But I don't think all that will happen tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning is the LIRRC 10 miler. I plan to run it with Brooksy. I'm feeling rather battered. But I'll do what I can.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

fow-AL

2008-03-06T18:43:00.003-05:00

Al calls foul on a fat golfing fuck:

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP)—PGA Tour golfer Tripp Isenhour was charged with killing a hawk on purpose with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show

Isenhour was with a film crew for “Shoot Like A Pro” on Dec. 12 at the Grand Cypress Golf course. The 39-year-old golfer, whose real name is John Henry Isenhour III, was charged Wednesday with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird.

The charges carry a maximum penalty of 14 months in jail and $1,500 in fines.

According to court documents, Isenhour got upset when a red-shouldered hawk began making noise, forcing another take. He began hitting balls at the bird, then 300 yards away, but gave up.

Isenhour started again when the hawk moved within about 75 yards, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine indicated in a report.

Isenhour allegedly said “I’ll get him now,” and aimed for the hawk.

“About the sixth ball came very near the bird’s head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close,” Baine wrote.

A few shots later, witnesses said he hit the hawk. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils.

Let's start with a simple premise: golf is not a sport. It is a pastime, one that is enjoyed by fat, obnoxious fucks. Here's just one more example of why these assholes should smacked upside the head repeatedly. These douchebags should spend there time playing with their balls and leave the fucking wildlife alone. Can't you just hear the asshole? "The audacity. A bird on my course."

Anyway, al just want to say fuck you to Drippy Isehole.

In other news, Al is racing a 10 this weekend with his buddy Brooksy. Brooks is a fellow triathlete who is looking to do his first 1/2 marathon in May.

Brooks and Al have been rapping about all the interesting bi action happening in Spring and, wouldn't you know it, ole Fred is interested. (Just say "bi" and Fred's ears perk up.) Freddy boy is threatening to plod through a du. We shall see.

Al also wants to tell you about one of his favorite workouts:

I run from my house the 2 miles to the Y. Then I do 2 miles on the indoor track--upstairs over the Bball courts. Then I run home. I love this course cause I get to feel like Prefontaine for a little while.

I get this feeling screaming around this tiny fucking track. It is one of those little indoor Habitrails where 18 laps = a mile. The course is always cluttered with old fat fucks in denim waddling through a 1/4 mile or so. (Now tell me this...why do these fucks always walk in denim? Don't that hurt? They got thighs galore--all of them. Don't they chafe?) Anyway, try running an 8 minute past a group of fogies on a track that size.

Powerful, baby.

Gotta Get Off My Ass, Yo

2008-03-01T07:52:00.002-05:00

Dammit.

Al and Wood getting armfulls of girlie jeans, doing up the town, remodeling, busting out the kicks for runs, tearing apart the trails.

Slovenly Moveitfred sitting around the house and eating. 'Bout the only action Moveitfred has gotten lately:

You asked for it?

2008-02-28T22:46:00.001-05:00

As per the request of another bicoastal boy, here are some pictures of the ladies from Rock Racing.

For me, the jury is still out on the whole Rock Racing team/concept. First off, this team is so freaking flamboyant, covered in all that bling and crap with nothing to show for it. They arrived in Modesto for the start of stage 3 of the Amgen Tour of California with the biggest diesel pusher I have ever laid eyes on. Shinny black paint with a HUGE green Rock Racing logo on both sides. This bus was pimped out like Paul Wall’s grill. Following the bus was a Cadillac Escalade and a Bentley. Most teams have a Subaru or the like for a team car put these guys are rolling an Escalade and a Bentley.

Then there are the riders. Mike Ball will hire anyone who has name recognition, no matter what their story is. I understand they are currently trying to recruit The Chicken, Vin, Jan, and anyone else who has admitted to doing drugs because they need another chance. Too bad Landis is not for hire for a few more months. And then there is Cipo. The guy is a legend and all but he is the same age as Moveitfred. Come on.

Lastly, the R&R girls and entourage who I must say are looking pretty fine if you ask me (the girls that is). Boobs and ass all over the place covered up only by some overpriced jeans and shirts (the girls that is). The entourage decked out in black suits all for a bike race? I thought Puff Daddy was going to hop out of the Bentley.

Is this truly a positive representation of bike racing? RR was selling cotton t-shirts with a Rock Racing insignia on the front for $38. What is more surprising to me is that people were buying that shit. I guess it is not what I want to see, it is what the fans want. And let me tell ya, the people were surrounding the caravan of RR vehicles. Reminds me of the Disco bus last couple of years. Maybe this is what cycling needs in America. The fans seemed to be eating it up. Could this be a welcome shot of EPO for cycling, boosting fan fare after a couple of lousy years dealing with international cheats?

Like it or not, Mr. Ball is a genius. Now thousands more know about Rock & Republic than three months ago. His companies name is plastered all over the place in VeloNews and any other cycling publication, not to mention the TV time it got during the Tour of Cali. Lots of cyclists have money and I am sure they will drop some coin on the overpriced Levi’s. Fred, Al, where are your jeans?

dismant-AL & assemb-AL

2008-02-26T17:58:00.005-05:00

Al had his hands full this weekend. Our new home has been a project and a half. The latest project is a kitchen re-do which includes removing a wall between kitchen and dining room. Here's Al in the process:

Here's a pic of the wall gone:

The project will include removing the old windows and door on the kitchen wall to my right in pic's. Those will be replaced by a triple panel french door (outswing type). Those old windows in the dining room will come out and that whole back wall in dining room will be large casement windows. Outside will be a deck (backing kitchen and dine). Just beneath where Al is working on the ladder here (the transition between kitchen and dine) Al is building a big island.

I also began my training program for the LI 1/2 this weekend. Did a 9 with Al K and another running/tri buddy, Brooks. The 3 boys ran in the snow for a nice 9er. We went along at about 9 minute pace. It was a nice run, but slow and treacherous because of the snow/ice. Still, it was good to get out beyond 5-6 miles again. It's been a couple of months since I've gone beyond 6.

Tonight I've got a basement biathlon on tap: 4 miles on the tread/one hour on the spin. I've got 30 days of Night lined up for the workout flick...spooky!

In Style

2008-02-21T11:05:00.008-05:00

On Tuesday, Heywood made the trek down to the flatlands of Sacramento to witness the finish of stage 2 of the Amgen Tour of California. He was accompanied by his wife, son, the Chef, and Big Cat during that rainy cold afternoon. The moisture in the air did not frighten off thousands of spectators meandering about the event expo while waiting the arrival of the racers. All the reps where there, explaining why their shit is better than the stuff in the adjoining tent. Free samples of energy drinks and stickers were passed out to all who had an open hand. Three jumbo televisions displayed the race with live feed while everyone got there cycling fix. Very nice venue.

While Heywood’s family and friends were walking about trying to establish the most strategic position to observe the last few laps around the capital and final sprint, he snuck off to the capital building to visit one of his friends at the State Capital building who just happens to be a State Assemblyman. It just so happens that this politician also had some complimentary passes to the VIP hospitality tent adjacent to the finish line. Unfortunately, there was not enough passes for everyone Wood came with. Decisions, decisions.

When Wood returned to the finish area where his friends were eagerly awaiting his return, he did what any good friend would do given this situation….. Told his friends he would call them later and let them know how it was rubbing elbows with California’s movers and shakers.

This is the ultimate way to watch a bicycle race. Free booze, petite attractive waitresses prancing about giving out stuffed mushrooms and lots of other tasty crap and seven flat screens HDTV’s surrounded Wood. Freaking awesome. And the race was great too! Tom Boonen pulled off and amazing finish from way back. Wow!

The Chef and Big Cat are out there somewhere.

Free booze!

committ-AL

2008-02-15T11:38:00.002-05:00

Well folks, I've now committed myself to a series of Tris for the 08 season. The plan is to actually begin the season with a 1/2 marathon. I'll do the Long Island 1/2 in early May. I'll follow this with a series of Sprint tris in Late May, June, July, and August. Then in Spetember I have an Olympic tri. I'll do one more tri in Late September or early October if I do not get into the NYC Marathon (again) this year. If I get in, it's right into Marathon training.

Here's the rundown:

The Long Island 1/2 on 5/4

The Ironclad Sprint Triathlon on 5/24...BRRRRRRR!

The Gold Coast Tr on 6/15

The Mighty North Fork Tri on 7/13

The SBR Harriman State Park Tri on 8/16

The Mighty Hamptons Tri on 9/14

After that, we shall see. I considered doing a 1/2 Ironman Tri at season's end. I think I'll wait and see how the early races go before making a decision on that one.

Some might say that this is an audacious plan. But i know I've got Jesus on my side. And you don't fuck with the Jesus.

Fred on work

2008-02-13T14:28:00.002-05:00

rebutt-AL

2008-02-07T16:01:00.000-05:00

I have been doing well lately. Mostly, I'm doing a lot of maintenance fitness work--running base of 25 miles per week with pool and bike workouts mixed in. However, a few nights a week, I do my "basement biathlon." This is a big indoor workout that features 4-5 miles on the treadmill and an hour on the expensive steel spinner. My plan is to continue in maintenance mode for the month of February. In March, I'll start training for a few 1/2 marathons in Spring. In Mid April-early May I'll shift to full blown tri training for the season that will start for me in late June.

Now to other matters...

Today, I received ANOTHER of those unbelievable annoying chain mail emails. You know, one of those fucking "do this list of things and you'll be happy" emails. These dumb shit emails drive me crazy. Some absolute dork in his 5x5 cubicle gets this shit from some "friend" and then annoys the shit out of 223 people on his mailing list by forwarding it on. They always have these "great" subject lines:
Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life

Today's FWD was particularly annoying because it had this underlying "pray and praise Jesus" message running through it.

Now, if you haven't guessed, Al is A-religious. Al would call Al an atheist. Now Al doesn't care what you believe or practice. However, Al can't stand when you tell him what to do/think. Thus, Al decided to stomp a little life-coach ass.

First, Al went into stealth mode. (This involved forwarding the offensive email to a secret email account: stiffone469@aol.com)
Next, Al added some replies to the list of "things to do."
Finally, Al replied to all and sent his thoughts to a few hundred unsuspecting cube dwellers.

The response was overwhelmingly positive. (And stiffone469 was pleased as punch. Don't read on if you're easily offended or find blasphemy/irreverence upsetting.)

Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life:

1.) Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while
you walk, smile. It is the ultimate
antidepressant. Try running instead. It will slim down your fat ass, and you’ll be working too hard to wear a goofy fucking grin. Walk around smiling, and they’ll want to lock you up.

2.) Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to. I’d like you to shut the fuck up for much longer than just 10 minutes.

3.) Buy a Tivo (DVR), tape your late night shows and get more sleep. Or stop watching the stupid shows.

4.) When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to________ today.'
Bullshit. Want to relax? Try not setting a “purpose” for each day.

5.) Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy. Try the 3 Fs: Fuck off, Fuck you, get Fucked.

6.) Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did last year.
And get laid.

7.) Always pray and make time to exercise.
Do exercise. Fuck prayer.

8.) Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of Six.
Fuck the fogies. Avoid kids under 6 too, unless they are your children’s friends. Then try to be civil while tolerating the whiny little fucks.
9.) Dream more while you are awake. And you’ll probably get fired.

10.) Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants.
Oh, fuck. Who is the genius who came up with this one?

11.) Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts. Yeah yeah.

12.) Try to make at least three people smile each day.
And then tell everyone else to go fuck themselves.

13.) Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
How ‘bout you add some new energy to your life: jump in the tub with your toaster.

14.) Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment. More fucking energy issues, huh?

15.) Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class
.......but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Ok asshole, tell me one thing you learned in school that you still remember.

16.) Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
Beer and ramen?

17.) Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away. What the fuck is an energy vampire? Does this dick work for KEYSPAN?

18.) Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
So true, so true. (Douche.)

19.) Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. I fucking hate this guy.

20.) Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
You say, writing your list of 40 life rules.

21.) You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. Whoa.

22.) Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. zzzzzzzzz

23.) Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Love the metaphor: life is a journey. Deep!

24.) Ladies - Go on and burn those 'special' scented candles, use the 600 thread count sheets,
the good china and wear our fancy lingerie now. Stop waiting for a special occasion. Everyday is special. Yes, so are you. In the little school bus sense of the word.

25.) No one is in charge of your happiness except you. Which is why I am ridiculing your stupid bullshit.

26.) Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?' I wish you’d framed this email with those words before sending it.

27.) Forgive everyone for everything. I’m trying. But not succeeding, you dick.

28.) What other people think of you is none of your business. True. But this time I’ll share: you’re an asshole.

29.) Time heals almost everything. Give time, time! How long will the recup be from this email?

30.) However good or bad a situation is, it will change. Amen.

31.) Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch with them. Have you met my friends?

32.) Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. This email.

33.) Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. God provides remember?! Then why must I fuck about with green tea and salmon?

34.) The best is yet to come. (in Heaven) Kill yourself and speed the whole thing up.

35.) No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. Can I skip the undies? I like going commando.

36.) Do the right thing! Unless you’re wrong.

37.) Call your family often. What you call them is up to you.

38.) Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: 'I am thankful for __________.' Today I accomplished _________. And then laugh like a motherfucker at how stupid you just were.

39.) Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed. Or just drink more.

40.) Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride then make sure you are on your way to Heaven and will receive a new body in Christ Jesus!
Stop wasting time on stupid emails like this. And fuck Jesus.

annu-AL

2008-02-06T13:33:00.000-05:00

In honor of Fred and Wood (both "Big League Catchers"), I am happy to report a VERY important upcoming date:

2/14/08 PITCHERS AND CATCHERS!!!!!!!

Yes, it is that time again. Now there are many of you who will bring up how absolutely debased the sport of baseball has become. You'll say it is a game for cheaters and users, that it's an industry not a sport, that it's a national disgrace not the national pastime. Ok, I hear you. Your points are heard and well taken. But...

There's something about the call up of players. It suggests that Spring is just around the corner. It suggests that Summer will soon be following. There's the excitement of the new roster additions. And this year they are BIG for the Mets! Catchers Brian Schneider and Johnny Estrada will be joining Ramon Castro in Florida. AND !!!Johnny Estrada will be joining Pedro and John and Orlando and the rest of the bullpen. Good stuff. Plus pitchers and catchers day falls on my birthday, 2/14.

Let's face it, all our national and international sports have become debased. Some will choose to discard them. I can understand that. I choose to celebrate the good stuff in them, though. Look what some of the good people are doing right hear at home:

emotion-AL

2008-02-03T20:30:00.000-05:00

Al's Mets Ink a Blockbuster Deal. Much celebration at Chez Al.

Al is happy as a pig in shit...

Johan Santana passes physical, Mets and Twins finalize blockbuster trade
By MIKE FITZPATRICK, AP Baseball Writer

Santana and the New York Mets completed contract negotiations on Friday, Feb. 1, 2008, the last major step needed to finalize the team's blockbuster trade with Minnesota. After the sides were granted an extra two hours to work on a deal, they finished negotiations before the new 7 p.m. EST deadline. The pitcher is scheduled to take a physical, the Mets said.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Johan Santana was right there in the room as his agent and the New York Mets haggled over a colossal contract.

After three straight days of negotiating, the sides were $5 million apart -- and time had run out.

Maybe this blockbuster trade between the Mets and Minnesota Twins was going to crumble, just as New York did during the pennant race last September.

"We talked about a worst-case scenario," Mets general manager Omar Minaya recalled, thinking of the team's eager fan base "What are we going to say?"

So agent Peter Greenberg and the Mets asked Minnesota for an extension, a request that was granted by the Twins and approved by the commissioner's office. The deadline for talks was pushed back two hours to 7 p.m. EST Friday, and that was enough time to reach a deal.

"Without that, we wouldn't have gotten it done," Greenberg said.

Santana passed his physical Saturday, finalizing the ballyhooed swap that sent him to New York for four prospects: outfielder Carlos Gomez and right-handers Philip Humber, Kevin Mulvey and Deolis Guerra.

"We've been lacking what we consider a true No. 1 starter," Minaya said on a conference call. "It doesn't get much better than Johan Santana."

All Al can say is

Jingo

Jingo

Jingo

Jingo Ba

Lo

Ba, Ba, Lo

Ba, Ba, Lo

Ba, Ba, Lo

Ba, Lo

Ba, Ba, Lo

Ba, Ba, Lo

Ba, Ba, Lo

Ba

Jingo

Turn this mother up:

El Campeón Hermoso

2008-01-26T08:02:00.001-05:00

Now that Miss Hotness has disposed of other-young-up-and-coming-hottie in the Aussie final Moveitfred can now return to the drudgery of his life as well as his somewhat regular programming.

By the way, Sharapova is Russian?

Yes, ok, and Moveitfred is Mexican.

renewab-AL

2008-01-25T20:34:00.000-05:00

Hi fuckers. Missed me? Sorry to have been gone so long. Had a little something up the river to handle.

To pass my time over the last month, I've been running 5 days a week to stay fit. Cycling on the indoor toy too. Got to get back in the pool soon. Must make it happen...Feb 1! There. There's a resolution.

And to those of you who thought I was gone for good, I say PAH! It's in my blood...

Brand New Day

2008-01-24T19:09:00.001-05:00

Moveitfred knows what he'll be doing Friday night.

Y'know, Moveitfred is down with the whole women's movement and equality and justice and respect. Moveitfred tips his man appendages to the champions who led the fight.

But, whooo doggies, ain't nothin' wrong with the contemporary combatants these days, yo.

(note to reader: 3bicoastalboys will be a women's tennis blog--with, perhaps, a smattering of Mantitties--until the match ends on Friday night. Thank you for understanding)

Sighting

2008-01-24T14:26:00.001-05:00

After weeks and weeks of no contact and with individuals continually pestering Moveitfred to solve the mystery and shed some light on the situation, Moveitfred actually both sighted and spoke to Al Bangorhard today.

Moveitfred was able to knock off a quickie photo of Al with his cellie camera, and let Moveitfred just say there was something...uh...different about Al. He just didn't seem himself. Perhaps a changed man, or some such transformation? Moveitfred's not sure.

Al showed up at the factory not quite dressed to code, but besides that what captivated Moveitfred was Al's stories of heroism and adventure from these past weeks.

Apparently Al went all Chris McCandless on us, dropping out of the world of technology and human contact and into a much darker place of spiritual wildness. Al spoke in strings of rambling, garbled thoughts about "federal corruption" and "the temple of his manhood" and "the mysterious vulva of earth." There was also talk of great floods, squalor, and vast expanses of wilderness.

Crazy, weird-ass shit.

In all Moveitfred had a hard time connecting the dots and getting a handle on the whole situation but, regardless, it's comforting to see Al back and feeling good about himself.

Perhaps one day he will even post something on this blog.

Tennis

2008-01-22T09:10:00.000-05:00

Moveitfred loves tennis. It borders on obsession for Moveitfred. And what better way to pass the time through a cold NE winter than to religiously watch the action from warm, sunny Australia?

(cycling content)

You want what?

2008-01-21T01:51:00.000-05:00

Is Wood way out of line or what?
A few weeks back, the weather in California was rather chilly due to some low pressure system from Alaska. Along with the system came rain, wind, and as previously mentioned, cold freaking air. Cold temps and rain don’t bother Wood one bit. Just throw on the right clothing and he is ready to brave the elements.

One cold morning, Wood and the Chef headed out for what was supposed to be at two hour ride. Let’s make this point clear, a TWO HOUR RIDE. Not gone for two hours. The roads were free of traffic. The air was crisp and clean. Just a splendid day to be riding through the foothills of northern California.

About an hour into the ride, the Chef asked to stop by a gas station for some food. In Wood’s small mind, he was thinking the Chef forgot to munch before he left the house and wanted to consume an energy bar or banana to refuel his body WHILE riding. So the two pulled over at the only gas station along the route. Of course, the Chef forgot money and Wood lent him some money. What are friends for?

Five minutes later, the Chef walks out with a bag of beef jerky, some salty nuts, and a cup of steaming hot coffee. WHAT THE F%CK? A cup of coffee? For the next 15 minutes, the Chef just sipped his latte whatever. What kind of bullshit is this? When asked why he got a cup of joe in the middle of a ride he replied, “Nothing like a steaming cup of coffee to warm the soul,” or some crap like that. How about a hard f%cking ride to warm the soul? With a wife and child at home, two hours is all the time Wood had to exercise this particular day. If one wants to ride and take breaks, go join a bike club. They love doing that shit. Once a month they probably buy the drink for all who attend. But when riding with Wood, it is to ride. Not talk, drink, or make friends with the local celebs. Exercise is the goal, remember? Is this one pet peeve Wood should just try to let go?

2008

2008-01-20T23:32:00.000-05:00

With 2008 firmly in our grips, the time has come to start planning the racing/training year. Main goal this year, improve my overall aerobic fitness level. The power seems to be there in short bursts. And technical skills have been my strength, carrying me nearly every ride. What pulls me down like an anchor is my freaking cardiovascular and pulmonary systems or lack there of. Stuffed into my elfin thoracic cavity is the heart of a lab rat and lungs from a 92 year old life time smoker. I pledge to cut the smoking this year and quit looking for cheese all day long. Instead, lots of hours on the bike following a rigid training program.

This was week was Base week 1 and it went down the toilet, literarily. After almost one solid week of training, some stomach bug infected the Wood household and wiped us all out. Shit was coming out of both ends. A liter of saline in the arm helped rehydrate the body since I could not keep anything down.

With two days of moping around, doing as little as possible I am feeling much better. Lets hope week 2 goes much better.

So back the whole racing thing. I have picked out a few races I would like to do this year.

Cool Mtb race, March 9th
Dirt Classic Mtb, April 13th
Downieville Downhill Classic, July 12-13
California Fireman's Olympics

The Downieville race is priority number 1. I am hoping that an enhanced aerobic fitness level will help me with another goal, TO RIDE THE CHEF INTO THE GROUND. I am tired of him chipping his teeth the whole way up a long arduous climb while I am gasping for air. Complete destruction is the only option.

There will also be cyclocross races but who knows what that schedule will look like. I do know that I will be out on the east coast for the world cup race and Glouceter for sure. Fred, get my room ready ASAP!

Back To Cycling Content

2008-01-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

Cipo has unretired and will return to the 12 step program.

Sources put him in Cali right now. Keep your ears to the ground for any new developments, Heywood.

Now here's a guy who outta put his Ball where his mouth is, so to speak.

Winner of the Fitchburg Longsjo Classic with some friends:

Yoga Lessons In The New Year (by Moveitfred)

2008-01-14T21:57:00.000-05:00

Moveitfred went to yoga class tonight. Moveitfred learned something. He would like to share it with you:

The Taoist relaxation method is very simple: "Listen to your breathing." Nothing more is needed, except persistence and patience in such listening. If you do not persist, your attention will stray back into anxieties. Be patient; impatience merely adds to anxieties. Patience is an attitude which undercuts the roots of anxiety.

Thanks for reading.

Blow Your Horns

2007-12-31T09:19:00.000-05:00

yu-AL

2007-12-25T05:42:00.000-05:00

yeah, yeah... Merry Christmas

Last Minute Gift

2007-12-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

If you're still stuck on what to get Moveitfred, all he really wants this Xmas is an ipod.

All the best to you and yours this happy, happy, warm, happy season.

TJ's Win

2007-12-21T09:25:00.001-05:00

Grab hold of the inspirational, pounding Gladiator music and go buy yourself a Cannondale.

digit-AL

2007-12-21T06:52:00.001-05:00

This post could be titled verb-AL too. But I just used that one so...

Anyway, it has been a hard few weeks for the Als. We were supposed to close on our new house last week. We were at the table, but our buyers had a bank document problem. The closing was halted. as a consequence of that, I could not buy my new house, the guy I'm buying from couldn't close on the place he's moving and so on. 5 parties screwed up in that deal. No shit. Dominos! Looks like we'll be moving next week...we'll see.

This all has made my training a bit "scattered" to say the least. I've been slamming out quick 5s in the morning. When I can, I jump on the trainer for a bit in the evening. But as soon as I'm settled, it's back at it in a more organized manner.

And the 08 tri schedule is starting to trickle in. Looks good! I already screwed up though. I've been dying to do the NYC tri. The swim is in the Hudson. It starts up at about 100th and goes down to midtown--DOWNSTREAM. I hear it is really about steering not swimming as the river CARRIES your ass. The rest of the deal is right in Manhattan. Cool. Here's the big BUT: the announcement came out for it at the end of November. I said, "ok, let me do that..." But way lead on to way. Here I am not a month later...I go to the website. Fucker sold out in 1 week. SHIT! Ah anyway, there are plenty of races. More news on my 08 plans as I figure 'em out...

So here's the crux of this post. It's an interesting little linguistic analysis. I shared this with Fred. He wanted no part of my theorizing. See what you think:

"He, like, totally fingered me..."

So I’m on line at the Bagel Boss round the corner when I hear this conversation between the two almost 20 somethings in front of me.

"he, like, totally fingered me"

“No Way!”

Now, let me ask you this, what’s a “total” finger? What’s it being juxtaposed with, a partial finger? Finger fuck with an oral finish? Finger / oral / good ole fuckin’?

Al's theories on “total”:
my thinking is that the “total” here probably refers to one of two things
A) The totality of the act: he fingered her and that, besides some petting and kissing, is all there is to report. (Probably a first time too. This would explain the “no way.”)
B) She came from it. “Total” here describes the depth (orgasm) of her experience. (And I’m still going with the ancillary first time theory.)

One could posit third and fourth theories. These theories would revolve around “total” referring to the level of penetration he achieved with his finger, measured either in terms of knuckles or vaginal cavity. Or “total” referring to a qualitative assessment of the fingering: “totally fingered me” equalling “fingered me very well.” However, I think that these theories—as stand alones—are limited and likely not accurate. My guess is that these operate together as a sub set of the larger “she came” or B theory. In this reading, level of penetration / quality of fingering are related to each other and are contributing factors in the achievement of orgasm. Thus, an unpacking of the language, in theory B, might yield a translation of this sort: “he fingered me so well and so deeply that I achieved orgasm. “

Thoughts?

Say What?

2007-12-18T20:35:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas! First off, let Wood start off by saying Merry Christmas! Or Happy Chanukah, or Happy Kwanzaa, or whatever the hell you celebrate. Second order of business, let everyone in the blogging world who actually reads this crap (MIF and Al) recognize why no posts have been made from the west coast. The Jablome Family has a new arrival. No, it’s not a new-fangled Vanilla road bike, although that would be nice. Not a BMW 745 however, that is on the Christmas wish list. It’s a Baby Boy!

He was born November 3rd weighing in at 8 lbs 15 oz, 22 inches long and is an eating, sleeping, shitting machine, just like his dad. Most importantly, healthy. This is the first child to the Jablome family and many things are confusing Wood.

For starters, Wood is exceptionally knowledgeable with dogs, all household animals for that matter. Potty training the pets was speedy, straightforward, unproblematic, and took only a few days to complete. Sure there was the occasional catastrophe but for the most part it was a great experience. Not so much with the baby. Wood employed the same established techniques that worked on all the pets, rubbing their nose in the shit. Six weeks old and still no improvement. Can someone help a brother out?

Next, the unvarying crying. Wood has been married for over five years, a few of them pleasant. When the marriage was new, Mrs. Jablome tried to cry to get her way. “I want this, waa waa waa, I want that waa, waa, waa,” she cried. Woody doesn’t play that game. He just elevated his voice and told her where the bear craps in the woods. She soon learned. This baby though, is not paying attention to what daddy is saying. He just cries until you feed him. Wood tried the same approach again and he just keeps crying. Does he not understand who is in charge of this family? Is he deaf? How does one lay down the law? Until this is figured out, the Jablome family will just shove food down the mouth until he pops.

Wood does appreciate all the help the readers (MIF and Al) have to offer. Hope Wood is forgiven for his lack of attention given to this blog as of late.

verb-AL

2007-12-18T17:05:00.000-05:00

The ‘08 resolutions are beginning to percolate in ole Al’s head. One comes right to the top. Al needs to be a kinder, gentler worker at the factory. One immediate area in need of improvement, LANGUAGE! Al’s a fucking potty mouth.

Here’s what I’ve gotten from H.R. to help me with this problem:

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

despicab-AL

2007-12-14T21:53:00.000-05:00

Players named in Mitchell report

Thursday, December 13th 2007, 7:30 PM

A list of players named in the Mitchell report (with 2007 team):

Chad Allen, OF (played in Japan)
Rick Ankiel, OF (Cardinals)
David Bell, INF (last played for Brewers in 2006)
Mike Bell, INF (retired)
Marvin Benard, OF (retired)
Gary Bennett, Jr., C (Cardinals)
Larry Bigbie, OF (played in minors)
Barry Bonds, OF (Giants)
Ricky Bones, P (retired, former Yankee)
Kevin Brown, P (retired, former Yankee)
Paul Byrd, P (Indians)
Ken Caminiti, 3B (deceased)
Jose Canseco, OF (retired, former Yankee)
Mark Carreon, OF (retired, former Met)
Jason Christiansen, P (retired)
Howie Clark, INF (Blue Jays)
Roger Clemens, P (Yankees)
Paxton Crawford, P (retired)
Jack Cust, DH/OF (A's)
Brendan Donnelly, P (Red Sox)
Chris Donnels, INF (retired, former Met)
Lenny Dykstra, OF (retired, former Met)
Bobby Estalella, C (retired, former Yankee)
Matt Franco, INF (retired, former Met)
Ryan Franklin, P (Cardinals)
Eric Gagne, P (Red Sox)
Jason Giambi, DH/1B (Yankees)
Jeremy Giambi, DH (retired)
Jay Gibbons, OF (Orioles)
Troy Glaus, 3B (Blue Jays)
Jason Grimsley, P (retired, former Yankee)
Jose Guillen, OF (Mariners)
Jerry Hairston, 2B (Rangers)
Matt Herges, P (Rockies)
Phil Hiatt, 3B (retired)
Glenallen Hill, OF (retired, former Yankee)
Darren Holmes, P (retired, former Yankee)
Todd Hundley, C (retired, former Met)
Ryan Jorgensen, C (Reds)
Wally Joyner, 1B (retired)
Mike Judd, P (retired)
David Justice, OF (retired, former Yankee)
Chuck Knoblauch, 2B (retired, former Yankee)
Tim Laker, C (retired)
Mike Lansing, 2B (retired)
Paul Lo Duca, C (Mets)
Nook Logan, OF (Nationals)
Josias Manzanillo, P (retired, former Met and Yankee)
Gary Matthews Jr., OF (Angels)
Cody McKay, C (retired)
Kent Mercker, P (last played for Reds in 2006)
Bart Miadich, P (retired)
Hal Morris, 1B (retired, former Yankee)
Daniel Naulty, P (retired, former Yankee)
Denny Neagle, P (retired, former Yankee)
Rafael Palmeiro, 1B (last played for Orioles in 2005)
Jim Parque, P (retired)
Luis Perez (former bullpen catcher for Expos)
Andy Pettitte, P (Yankees)
Adam Piatt, OF (retired)
Todd Pratt, C (last played for Braves in 2006)
Stephen Randolph, P (Astros)
Adam Riggs, INF (retired)
Brian Roberts, 2B (Orioles)
John Rocker, P (retired)
F.P. Santangelo, OF (retired)
Benito Santiago, C (last played for Pirates in 2005)
Scott Schoeneweis, P (Mets)
David Segui, 1B (retired, former Met)
Gary Sheffield, OF (Tigers)
Mike Stanton, P (Reds)
Ricky Stone, P (Reds)
Miguel Tejada, SS (Orioles)
Derrick Turnbow, P (Brewers)
Ismael Valdez, P (last played for Marlins in 2005)
Mo Vaughn, 1B (retired, former Met)
Randy Velarde, INF (retired, former Yankee)
Ron Villone, P (Yankees)
Fernando Vina, 2B (retired, former Met)
Rondell White, OF (Twins)
Jeff Williams, P (retired)
Matt Williams, 3B (retired)
Todd Williams, P (Orioles)
Steve Woodard, P (retired)
Kevin Young, 1B (retired)
Gregg Zaun, C (Blue Jays)

Holiday Greetings from the Bicoastal Boys

2007-12-07T13:11:00.000-05:00

The Bicoastals have created a personalized and wonderfully original holiday greeting to wish you all continued health, happiness, and discount shopping now and in the new year.

The Dancing Holiday Bicoastals

Bicoastal Blocked

2007-12-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

Moveitfred's pal Extremeski is currently doing time over in the Middle East, undoubtedly working hard to improve East/West relations on all manner of political and social issues. So yesterday Moveitfred sent Extreme an email with a tiny little tidbit of fun, some sort of joke plus link to...oh, perhaps...a gay internet site of one kind or another. Moveitfred really doesn't remember the details beyond it being the kind of random, adolescent joke that helps Moveitfred get through the day.

So according to Extreme Big Brother Basheer got ahold of the email and managed to block the link with the stern warning that the content of the email was "not consistent with the political, moral, religious and ethical values of the United Arab Emirates." Moveitfred is all cool and down with that. Moveitfred's bad. Moveitfred realizes in hindsight that his attempt at a light chuckle could easily contribute to the crumbling of a people that hold together their society with the highest consideration for equality and tolerance and justice.

But here's the thing. Extremeski pointed out to Moveitfred that while she was unable to access the little gay site he sent her, she has no trouble whatsoever busting open the 3Bicoastalboys blog through her Middle East connection.

What the EFF? That's EFFED UP! Boys, Moveitfred is ashamed. Abbud and Fareed can't hold hands and browse GayMart dot com together on their laptop, but they can get their jiggles by perusing the Bicoastals?

Moveitfred feels the bicoastals have completely failed in the mission they set forth to accomplish.

The Secret to Al's Success

2007-12-06T19:59:00.000-05:00

incalculab-AL

2007-12-03T20:50:00.000-05:00

Seems like everyone is pissing about putting on the holiday pounds. A week ago, Fred was crying about turkey poundage. And Heywood is such a fat ass he can't even run. Poor GVB is suffering joint strain from his increased mass.

Al's just got one thing to say to you all: To all you boys with butts, boobs, hips and a waist...put on a bikini, put it on and stay strong.

Before:

And, of course, After:

This Sucks

2007-11-30T12:01:00.000-05:00

It is a little known fact that Heywood is training for a 20 kilometer trail run in late December. One problem that constantly arises is his inability to run. The best way to describe his inabilities is to compare him to Moveitfred. Everyone knows Fred looks like a fish out of water when he attempts to pick’em up and put’em down. Those gangly arms flailing about as his feet attempt to propel his 7’2” frame forward. Now imagine that guy is 6’3”, exceptionally attractive and his name is Heywood Jablome. There you have it. Clear as mud?

So Wood has been hitting the trails whenever possible trying to develop this skill. Yesterday, he could be found at the local high school track running some intervals. While running, Wood was feeling pretty down on himself not seeing a marked improvement with his split times. Is this working? Will he ever get faster? Why is he out hear? All these questions were filling up his head causing him to loose motivation. He began to explore the surroundings looking for some inspiration to keep going.

The lard ass eating McDonalds in the bleachers was not exactly inspiring. Neither was the chain smoker walking laps next to Wood. With his hands on his hips ready to quit and go home, Heywood looked up to the skies before something caught his eye. STACEY DRAGILA. Not in person, but her name there on the billboard. That’s right, she went to this high school. She ran on this same track before it was renamed in her honor. She got her start right here in Auburn before becoming a world record holder in the pole vault. Yes, this is what Wood wanted, true inspiration. Placer High School, the land where champions are created. “I can do this,” he thought as images of Stacy Dragila ran through his brain. Those firm thigh muscles flexing as she runs. Those glutes tightening up as she pulls herself up and over the bar while riding a long stiff pole. Yes, Wood is inspired. He picked up the pace. Faster and faster the miles clicked by. Soon, his training objective for the day was complete and it was time to go home. This running stuff is fun.

demonic-AL

2007-11-29T18:02:00.000-05:00

AL imparts a "NO SHIT!!??" moment for his listeners

Today, at the factory, Al had a moment that will go down in infamy. I was in my cubicle, meeting with several of the worker-interns that I am charged with caring for. I was reading through the file of one young intern, a young woman of about 20, and making some suggestions to her for improvement. She made a burping sound. I looked up involuntarily but noticed nothing so I continued. She did it again. This time I looked at her and she seemed to be pained. I wondered, "this bitch dyspeptic?" She then made some strange mewling sound and put her hand up to her face. She burped more and her face began to expand. Suddely smoke spewed from her ears and her head began to turn a full 180 degrees. A demonic voice came from her, it screamed, "the sow is mine!"

And then it happened. The demon bitch fouled Al's office. She began to spew projectile vomit like a firehose on full blast being held by a four year old.

All I can say about the experience is this. It was horrid. I handled myself well though: I pulled up my feet and jumped up on the desk like a chick running from a mouse. I managed not to shriek. Instead, in a deep voice I said, "I cast you out unclean spirit in the name of Jesus Christ!"

Later on:

After leaving the factory (and showering with brillo and lye soap), I began my current fav work out: an hour spin (yes, yes,very gay, I know, and fuck all you haters). After my spin, I threw on my run kicks and grabbed the jog stroller. I did a 4 mile course that leads me past my daughter's school. All was staged perfectly so that I could pick her up "on the run," as they say. But I must say this:

I can't stand the way our neighborhoods and schools have gotten. You can't believe, first of all, how difficult it is to navigate the sidewalks with a jogger around here. It is clear that these sidewalks were NEVER for actual walkers / joggers. They are broken every 1/4 mile by telephone poles that make going into the street necessary. Cars are parked on the sidewalk all over the place and no enforcement to stop this goes on. At the school, one gets looks like "what the fuck is wrong with this guy" and requests like "please don't leave the stroller in front." Fred and I were discussing the whole kids riding bikes to school or walking thing the other day. Let's just say this: it ain't happening. It isn't safe, schools don't want it 'cause their lawyers have advised against it, and parents seem programmed to think that transport other than by car is odd and inappropriate. What the fuck has happened?

Al Is A Zit

2007-11-27T22:47:00.000-05:00

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, Al.

Fix the blog.

memori-AL

2007-11-26T15:25:00.000-05:00

Cum On.......

comparab-AL ?

2007-11-23T18:36:00.000-05:00

So I got myself a Lemond Revmaster a little while back. I ripped that shit saddle that comes with it off and immediately replaced it. I spun off the shit peds and put on my Speedplays. And HOT DAMN! I love it!

I do a lot of indoor biking--late at night or while the kids are coloring on the floor near me or when the weather is crappy. I probably get more miles indoor than outdoor, this time of year. I've never really liked my Kurt Kinetic Trainer. I know it is a good trainer, but I just don't love how loud it is. And you can't stand up and really work on it.

The revmaster is silent...or near to it. And you can beat it. I stand on it and really dig in...no worries. Plus it takes up less room than bike/trainer. And it is direct drive, so it rides like a fixie. In my mind this will be good for my "stroke."

I've been doing these nice duathlons: I spin for an hour then burn out a 5k. Great workout. Should keep me up for next season. But here's my question: how come more bike people don't ride these? I hear about trainers and rollers. I never hear a true blue biker talk about his/her spin bike. Why? Are these activities not comparable?

And while we're on the topic of comparability...I was channel surfing while spinning this morning. I saw this poofta on Regis and Kelly.

Ok, now maybe I'm crazy, but I am starting to believe in reincarnation. Is it me?

USGP Trenton

2007-11-19T14:13:00.000-05:00

No time to write something clever and soft and fluffy, so just some random weekend pics.

OK, quick story. Horner was getting freakin' grief from the crowd on Sunday. All in good fun and jest, of course. Pro boy was seriously struggling in the rain and mud and off-camber slop. Most of the race he was bunched in tight off the back with his goon squad and taking the opportunity now and then to sit up and hurl some pointed comments back at the crowd. Fun stuff this cross.

Hard Men

2007-11-16T14:36:00.001-05:00

Moveitfred has gathered inspiration from his compatriots these last couple of days.

Tales of epic runs and intestinal implosions.

Breaking and entering into Browntown.

All-night rambles through rugged countryside with men.

Browbeating back The Man.

These are hard men

Doing hard work.

Moveitfred, drawing energy from these stories of great resolve and honor, broke open a sweaty track workout amid biting wind and rain over at the university track last night and just returned from a harsh cross ride out in the raw elements today.

A toast to the hard men.

Moveitfred is busy packing up for the USGP because, as we all know, there is no tastier way to spend a lovely fall weekend than a couple of days in Trenton, New Jersey.

Things just keeping getting worse!

2007-11-16T02:14:00.000-05:00

This evening Heywood Jablome met with the fellas for another night ride somewhere in the canyon. This whole riding at night is supposed to be enjoyable, fun and exhilarating, right? Well things were going marvelous for Wood on the fast swooping decent. Then the bottom of the canyon was reached and it was time to scale the other side.

For those of you who have never ridden with Wood, he is not typically the fastest climber in the bunch. Nor is he the slowest, usually. Tonight was the exception. When the trail ascended upwards to the heavens, Heywood was no where to be found. Left breathing the trail dust of others, he just could not get his legs to work. The more miles the group climbed, the worse things got for our pal as the lactic acid kept building. “Both brakes must be locked up or somebody hooked a tow rope to me and I am hauling a car up this hill,” Heywood thought. He stopped, dismounted, and inspected the bicycle for some flaw causing this disaster. NOPE! Perfect working condition. No tow rope either. How demoralizing this ride is turning out to be for Wood. The group was kind enough to wait for him at the top before they proceeded downward.

Trying to get his confidence back, Heywood was going to lead the group down to the bottom. This is one part of riding he loves and always feels very at ease with. While riding at night, signs can be hard to see because of the lack of light. Apparently Wood took a wrong turn and the group followed. Soon they found themselves on a fire road face to face with a pair of headlights shinning at them while on State Park property. Out of the vehicle stepped a State Park Ranger who began to yell. He then lectured them about the hours of operation for this park, illegal trails for mountain bikers, blah, blah, blah. Next he wanted to know everybody’s name. Wood answered politely “Heywood Jablome.”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY,” the park ranger asked in a stern voice.
“I said HEYWOOD JABLOME,” Wood replied.
The ranger ordered the entire group to continue riding except for Wood. As the group rode on, the ranger introduced himself as Dick Gozinya and asked for Wood’s phone number. “Maybe we can go get a drink someone,” the ranger said in a very sweet voice.

Fearing some scene from Deliverance was going to be reenacted here shortly, Heywood leaped onto his steed and rode away with new found speed. Where on earth did the ranger brew this crazy idea that Wood was interested?

When Heywood arrived home, he told his beautiful wife about his lack of climbing abilities on the trail tonight. She said, “at least you were not the last one up the hill, or were you?”

A few more nights like this and Wood will be making the drive to BALCO laboratories for some help.

fec-AL

2007-11-15T19:20:00.000-05:00

AL IS FULL OF SHIT

It's been a tough couple of weeks for me, folks. My daughter has had walking pneumonia. I was sick for a bit. And I'm in the process of moving. A wee bit of stress, over here.

Last night, I was rushing home at about 6. I had not eaten lunch and was starving. I had a 7 miler on tap. (As an aside, I fucking hate running in the dark. I have a 1 mile loop around my house on a well lit set of blocks that I do at night. I feel like a frickin' gerbil on a Habitrail.) I knew that banging out a 7 with no food in the system was impossible. What to do...

As I sat in traffic, the flashing neon of a local Kosher deli called to me. I'm a big fan of grilled frankfurters, but I rarely eat them. (They're artery clogging rolls of assholes, armpits, and nitrites.) The call was too strong, though. I slammed my rig in park and went in for two dogs with kraut and mustard. Moments later, I was motoring home, changing into my running duds as I drove.

I ran in the house and dropped my bags, kissed the wife and kiddies and headed out the door into the darkness.

3 miles out the rolling and tumbling started in my belly. 4 miles out I was cramping and clinching. By mile 5 I was duck walking and praying for a dark alley or any ill lit spot. At 5.25 it was shit or be beshat. (Now most of you know that I've got "issues." You'd think I'd know better than to down 2 coneys before poundin' out the miles.)

In the near distance was the glow of a Getty sign. Hope sprang eternal. Squeezing for all I was worth and sweating like an H addict out of skag, I waddled into the station. CLOSED! GARRRRRRRR! There was no choice though. I was in CODE BROWN. I struggled around the side and tried the Men's. LOCKED! DOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Fuck it. I put my shoulder to the door. It popped open. And the foul receptec-AL called to me.

Al fouled the small stall in grand fashion. Think Dirty Bomb.

It's amazing, isn't it, how alive one feels after that? Singers and film makers have celebrated how nearly dying can make one so alive. How come no one sings about almost shitting him/herself? Might go something like this:

"Browntown"
by Al Bangorhard

I'm wide awake and so alive
Spewed my scat like chow

Take me deep out past the lights
Nothing dims these stars
Nothing

Let me feel the passing of solid waste
Just tip me 'til I capsize
I've been waiting for my whole life
To be broken, open, filth erased

Let me feel the passing of solid waste
Just tip me 'til I capsize
I've been waiting for my whole life
To be open wide

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell

Let me feel the passing of solid waste
Just tip me 'til I capsize
I've been waiting for my whole life
To be broken, open, filth erased

Let me feel the passing of solid waste
'Cause I'm dying on the inside
Just take me to Browntown
'Til I'm open wide

So wide
So go
I'm wide awake and so alive, alive, alive

Let me feel the passing of solid waste
Just tip me 'til I capsize
I've been waiting for my whole life
To be broken, open, filth erased

Let me feel the passing of solid waste
'Cause I'm dying on the inside
Just take me to Browntown
'Til I'm open wide

pleasurab-AL

2007-11-15T19:11:00.000-05:00

Barry Bonds indicted on perjury, obstruction charges

By PAUL ELIAS, Associated Press Writer
Barry Bonds, baseball's home run king, was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice Thursday and could face prison instead of the Hall of Fame for telling a federal grand jury he did not knowingly use performance-enhancing drugs.

The indictment, culminating a four-year investigation into steroid use by elite athletes, charged Bonds with four counts of perjury and one of obstruction of justice. If convicted, he could be sentenced to a maximum of 30 years in prison.

Shortly after the indictment was handed up, Bonds' personal trainer, Greg Anderson, was ordered released after spending most of the past year in prison for refusing to testify against his longtime friend.

"During the criminal investigation, evidence was obtained including positive tests for the presence of anabolic steroids and other performance enhancing substances for Bonds and other athletes," the indictment said.

In August, when the 43-year-old Bonds passed Hank Aaron to become baseball's career home run leader, he flatly rejected any suggestion that this milestone was stained by steroids.

"This record is not tainted at all. At all. Period," Bonds said.

Bonds finished the year with 762 homers, seven more than Aaron, and is currently a free agent. In 2001, he set the season record with 73 home runs.

Late in the season, the San Francisco Giants told the seven-time National League MVP they didn't want him back next year.

Bonds could not immediately be reached for comment. One of his attorneys, John Burris, didn't know of the indictment before being alerted by The Associated Press and said he would call Bonds to notify him.

"I'm surprised," Burris said, "but there's been an effort to get Barry for a long time. I'm curious what evidence they have now they didn't have before."

Bonds' defense attorney, Mike Rains, declined comment because he hadn't seen a copy of the indictment.

"However, it goes without saying that we look forward to rebutting these unsupported charges in court," Rains said. "We will no doubt have more specific comments in the very near future once we have had the opportunity to actually see this indictment that took so long to generate."

Bonds is scheduled to appear in U.S. District Court in San Francisco on Dec. 7.

Bonds has never been identified by Major League Baseball as testing positive for steroids.

AP - Nov 15, 6:10 pm EST
More Photos

"I have yet to see the details of this indictment and while everyone in America is considered innocent until proven guilty, I take this indictment very seriously and will follow its progress closely," commissioner Bud Selig said.

Union head Donald Fehr said he was "saddened" to learn of Bonds' indictment.

"However, we must remember, as the U.S. Attorney stated in his press release today, that an indictment contains only allegations, and in this country every defendant, including Barry Bonds, is entitled to the presumption of innocence unless and until such time as he is proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt."

The White House weighed in, too.

"The president is very disappointed to hear this," Bush spokesman Tony Fratto said. "As this case is now in the criminal justice system, we will refrain from any further specific comments about it. But clearly this is a sad day for baseball."

Bush, who once owned the Texas Rangers, called Bonds to congratulate him in August when the Giants' outfielder broke the home run mark. "You've always been a great hitter and you broke a great record," Bush said at the time.

Former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell, who is investigating drug use in baseball, declined comment. So did Hall of Fame vice president Jeff Idelson.

Bonds was charged in the indictment with lying when he said he didn't knowingly take steroids given to him by Anderson. Bonds is also charged with lying that Anderson never injected him with steroids.

"Greg wouldn't do that," Bonds testified in December 2003 when asked if Anderson ever gave him any drugs that needed to be injected. "He knows I'm against that stuff."

Anderson's attorney, Mark Geragos, said the trainer didn't cooperate with the grand jury that indicted Bonds.

"This indictment came out of left field," Geragos said. "Frankly I'm aghast. It looks like the government misled me and Greg as well, saying this case couldn't go forward without him."

Prosecutors promised Bonds they wouldn't charge him with any drug-related counts if he testified truthfully. But according to the indictment, Bonds repeatedly denied taking any steroids or performance-enhancing drugs despite evidence to the contrary.

AP - Nov 15, 5:55 pm EST
More Photos

For instance, investigators seized a so-called "doping calendar" labeled "BB" during a raid of Anderson's house.

"He could know other BBs," Bonds replied when shown the calendar during his testimony.

Asked directly if Anderson supplied him with steroids, Bonds answered: "Not that I know of." Bonds even denied taking steroids when he was shown documents revealing a positive steroids test for a player named Barry B.

Bonds said at the end of the 2003 season, Anderson rubbed some cream on his arm that the trainer said would help him recover. Anderson also gave him something he called "flax seed oil," Bonds said.

Bonds then testified that prior to the 2003 season, he never took anything supplied by Anderson -- which the indictment alleges was a lie because the doping calendars seized from Anderson's house were dated 2001.

Bonds became the highest-profile figure caught up in the government investigation, launched in 2002, with the raid of the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative (BALCO) -- the Burlingame-based supplements lab that was the center of a steroids distribution ring.

Bonds has long been shadowed by allegations that he used performance-enhancing drugs. The son of former big league star Bobby Bonds, Barry broke into the majors with the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1986 as a lithe, base-stealing outfielder.

By the late 1990s, he'd bulked up to more than 240 pounds -- his head, in particular, becoming noticeably bigger. His physical growth was accompanied by a remarkable power surge.

Speculation of his impending indictment had mounted for more than a year.

Associated Press Writer Chris Weber in Los Angeles contributed to this report.

Bean Team

2007-11-12T15:04:00.001-05:00

Question:

Is it bad that Moveitfred is currently finishing off his second pot of caffeinated beverage today all by himself? Not second cup but second pot. Drinking alone. Feels good. (and, damn, is the piss pungent)

_____ 1. Yes, bad.

_____ 2. No, fine.

Who turned off the lights?

2007-11-12T02:11:00.000-05:00

A few months back Heywood ordered a night light for his mountain bike from a company located right here in the golden state of California. The company, Niterider. The light, Trinewt. The first impression, AWSOME!

The light just arrived at Auburn bike works (the BEST bike shop around) last week. Apparently, backorders from Niterider are common this time of year and Heywood’s experience was similar. Heywood was itching to hit the trails and witness first hand what the big hoopla was about riding after the sun has set.

Victory Velo (the second best bike shop around) holds group night rides every Thursday evening at 6:00pm. The Chef, Big Cat, and the Wood all decided to strut there substance with all the other hooligans. In all, there were 12 riders with balls big enough to tackle the most technical singletrack in these parts.

Getting used to riding in the dark with a large spot light mounted on the helmet takes a little time. The dust kicked up by other riders acts like fog, diminishing the effectiveness of the light. The lack of depth perception allows rocks to quietly sneak up on unsuspecting riders turning the most basic trail into a challenging adventure. Also, the lack of light hides the snipers in the trees who shot Heywood’s front tire out causing him to go over the bars leading with his large head. The whole experience is so freaking fun it is hard to put into words. The group put in about 12 miles on the trail and 5 on the road. Mostly singletrack following the raging river below. You can bet your bottom dollar Heywood will be back again next Thursday with lights shining. There were a few casualties on the ride. One guy had to cut out early; his mom was calling him home. Another had a broken rear derailleur. Fucker snapped clean off. Only problem is the group was dead smack in the middle. 6 mile walk either direction. Wood never has seen so many full-grown men terrified of the night. The guy was quaking in his boots when the thought of walking back alone crossed his mind. Finally, he convinced the Soldier to accompany him and fend off any wild cats they may encounter. Huh, pussies, just cats guys.

And by the way, the Chef rocked this ride. Despite being out of his element when away from the kitchen, he tore it up. All it took in his words was a little synthetic courage (shin/knee pads, elbow pads, chest pad, maxi-pad with wings). Strong work!

So the light worked marvelously. Very bright. Charges in about 4 hours and can last over 7 hours. Wood tried the light on his helmet but wants to try mounting to the handlebars. How many days until Thursday?

P.S. CrankBrothers replaced Heywood’s Candy SL broken pedals, no questions asked. They were back at Casa de Wood in less than a week from the day he shipped them. That is good customer service if you ask him!

Compton Gonna Jack Yo Shit

2007-11-12T00:03:00.000-05:00

Straight outta Compton, another crazy ass nigga

More punks I smoke, yo, my rep gets bigger

I'm a bad motherfucker and you know this

But the pussy ass niggaz don't show this

But I don't give a fuck, I'ma make my snaps

If not from the records, from jackin the cops

Just like burglary, the definition is 'jackin'

And when illegally armed it's called 'packin'

Shoot a motherfucker in a minute

I find a good piece o' pussy, I go up in it

So if you're at a show in the front row

I'm a call you a bitch or dirty-ass ho

You'll probably get mad like a bitch is supposed to

But that shows me, slut, you're composed to

a crazy muthafucker from tha street

Attitude legit cause I'm tearin up shit

MC Ren controls the automatic

For any dumb muthafucker that starts static

Not the right hand cause I'm the hand itself

every time I pull a AK off the shelf

The security is maximum and that's a law

R-E-N spells Ren but I'm raw

See, coz I'm the motherfuckin villain

The definition is clear, you're the witness of a killin

that's takin place without a clue

And once you're on the scope, your ass is through

Look, you might take it as a trip

but a nigga like Ren is on a gangsta tip

Straight outta Compton...

Yo, yo, yo...check it, Boyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Ain't nobody, nobody bus the shit out dirty like

Compton!

Please, Help Al

2007-11-09T17:17:00.001-05:00

A message to the two readers of this blog:

Please help Al.

This is Al's current road ride:

What is wrong with this picture? Need we start a list?

Listen, forget the list. Al needs your assistance. It's as if his perception of two-wheeled travel on paved roads has taken on a wretched habit of low-grade crack, grape suckers, and crispy fried chicken. Let us all pull our collective experience together and help Al refocus his stellar athletic prowess into an acceptable presentation in the elite world of road cycling. Let's help Al back into the fold.

Step one: Al needs a new bicycle. What should he get?

Happy Story!

2007-11-05T21:26:00.000-05:00

Happy Story!

Sad Story

2007-11-03T22:18:00.000-04:00

Al's taking a break from his witty little title thing ("unbelievab-AL") to report on this one.

Today, at the Olympic Men's Marathon Team Trials, Robert Shay, 28, dropped dead. Shay collapsed about 5.5 miles into the race in front of the Central Park Boathouse. Shay was a tremendously talented runner. Here's a blurb on Shay:

Shay was a favorite going into the 2004 trials but was hampered by a hamstring strain and finished 23rd. He was the 2003 U.S. marathon champion and was third at this year's U.S. 25K championships. He also won the U.S. half marathon in 2003 and 2004. He was the NCAA 10,000-meter champion in 2001, the first national individual title in track for Notre Dame.

Shay was the U.S. 20,000-meters (20K) road racing champion in 2004, making him a four-time national champion.

There has not been a report yet on the cause of his collapse. But this is a terrible thing, and I just wanted to post this bit on it.

Calling Damone

2007-11-03T17:51:00.001-04:00

Al is the man who can hook your ass up for any show in the NY metro area. The dude lives and breathes the arena life. Back when Moveitfred was a young lass he used to drop his wad now and again on some passing fancy of a concert.

Some highlights from Moveitfred's concertized youth include Van Halen and Red Hot Chili Peppers at LA's small, rat-infested Troubadour nightclub, being in on a private show by R.E.M before they hit it big, braving the Long Beach Arena to see The Time and Prince as prolly the only white dude in the audience, and sitting next to Valerie Bertinelli at an Elton John show back before she got fat and we, ahem, knew about Sir John.

The lowlight of Moveitfred's concert past was likely the stirring combination of Christopher Cross and Fleetwood Mac at the Hollywood Bowl. Jeeeezus, what was Moveitfred thinking. Had to have been some surf-infested blond involved in that equation somehow.

Anyway, back on point. Al continues to pound out the concert scene to the tune (pun intended) of two or three shows a week. You name it, Al's got the seats and a lighter at the ready.

Al can also hook a brother up with any ticket in town.

So Moveitfred is making a public plea to Al. Can you hook a brother up with some tix? Moveitfred ain't talking about some reunion of aging 80's rockers, he needs some seats for the next wave, the new thing, the up-and-coming.

Moveitfred needs tix to Hannah Montana, bro. Daughter is busting Moveitfred's chops to go. It's the rage. This is bigger than Moveitfred. Every freakin' pre-teen girl has got to witness this Billy Ray Cyrus spawn. Please, help a bicoastal out, man. It's the least you can do.

Fredtastic-AL

2007-11-01T17:46:00.000-04:00

In which AL explains what a DOUCHE Fred is

If you are like me, you've been waiting and wondering "where, oh where, can poor Fred's post be; oh where, oh where can it be?" I mean, Fred wow-ed us with his prowess at the Halloween Party where he wined 'em and dined 'em and even woo-ed 'em a bit.

Fred told us how his unparalelled party performance led to Craigmeur permission for this last Sunday. Logically, we were waiting for his stunning sideline pics and thrilling color commentary. But nothing... we waited. And still nothing...we waited.

Finally, I could wait no more. I approached the legend and asked the age old question, "what the fuck Fred?" Fred told a tale of terror, horror, and mayhem. Lock up your children folks, and drape your shawls tight about you. This one's a doosy. (By the way, how the fuck does one spell "doosy?")

The wind poured across the brutal steppes of New Jersey, driving snow and sleet mercilessly down upon our hero. (Ok, this was an out of season ski mountain and it was sunny and cool, but go with me.) Fred pulled his trusty steed out of the stall (Yanked the Zank outta the Yak rack) and set out to explore the wild wilderness that was the Craigmeur course.

As Fred motored through a practice loop, he made a startling discovery: the course would call for riders to transition from the upper mountain to a lower section by navigating class 5 rapids, crossing a chasm akin to the Grand Canyon, and braving several South Central backstreets (gats a-blazin'). Fearless Fred propelled himself over downed trees and glacial erratics, past crackheads and slowly cranking crossers. At some point he felt a rumbling from deep within the earth. It was a quake, and Fred's keen senses could tell it was a big one. He careened down the trembling terra (not so) firma trying to find stable ground. But there, ahead of him! A damsel in distress. She'd fallen during dismount and was still clipped in with one foot. The earth was open before her and the land fell away towards the open maw. She would certainly be swallowed. Brave Fred flung himself into the hole, spreading his 7 foot 7 inch frame across the opening. The maiden used our bony buddy as a ladder and climbed to freedom. But the ground grabbed up our Fred. He was chewed up by mud and gravel (and even some concrete). She dug to save him, but it was too late. He lay, broken and battered, the victim of an act of god.

In the end, Fred would rise from the ashes like the Phoenix.

But a painful bruise on his vulva would keep him from racing.

Sniff. Hang tough brother. We're with you.

Hell on Earth

2007-10-27T14:36:00.000-04:00

Well the Family Fred Halloween Bash hit the fan last night and went off without major tragedy or loss of life.

The guest list included nearly 100 of the most preeminent adults and children in the greater Long Island region. In other words a fucking mob scene here at La Casa de Fred.

The forecast called for heavy rain which would have added to the disaster of upwards of 50 candy-amped kids tearing through the house. Luckily the Gods were gracious once again this year and kept the precipitation to an on/off again drizzle. Kids stayed outside and some of the drunk parents were even able to coax up a huge bonfire with the help of a can of lighter fluid. This gave the kids a chance to chase each other around the yard with burning sticks. Nothing but good, clean fun here at Party Fred.

About half way through the evening one of the hotcake moms in attendance began invading Moveitfred's egg space with a slurred dialog about whether or not Moveitfred ever imaged his life turning out "this way"--suburban address, packed house of other minivan families and kids, soup, men holding wine glasses, a "craft table" out back. In other words, a complete catastrophe. (Moveitfred thinks there were ulterior motives to this intimate exchange, but that's for another time).

Here's the thing. First off, Moveitfred jacked off big time for about the first 30 years of his life. This current situation, Moveitfred believes, is simply a swinging of the pendulum. Nothing to stress about. It's all a big game of balance, man. Next, Moveitfred has learned there are ways to negotiate these tragedies. Last night was a perfect example.

See all this, Moveitfred means ALL this, got Moveitfred on the wife's good side. Moveitfred was a Host-fucking-Master last night. He served cheese and crackers, led packs of kids through the Haunted Room of Death, introduced Dr. Igor Von Choppingblock and his blood-soaked skit of horror, replenished the soup, circulated the estate with idle chit-chat bullshit, even...poured wine.

So long about midnight as the freds were helping the last of the tottering, drunk parents find their kids Moveitfred's wife embraced Moveitfred with heartfelt thanks for all his help. That's when Moveitfred pounced:

"Gee, thanks honey. Say, y'know how the kids have soccer all day on Sunday? Is there a chance you can handle it, cause, y'see, there's this cross race in Jersey...."

Moveitfred scored the big win on that one. He got the ok, roared into the office, powered up the Gateway, and sneaked in with his reg just before the deadline for the Craigmeur on Sunday. Nice.

Red Shorts

2007-10-27T14:14:00.001-04:00

Please help Moveitfred. These same red Oakley mt bike shorts keep coming up on one of those Quick-buy-it-now-cause-we're-gonna-put-another-piece-of-shit-up-for-sale-in-about-three-minutes single item web deal sites.

Please vote and help Moveitfred decide:

____ 1. These shorts rock. Nobody wears cranapple red--Moveitfred will be peeling chicks off his svelte physique wearing these.

____ 2. I've seen you, Moveitfred, and these shorts, although dapper-dandy, are not you. Wait until the same model comes out in Madrid Stone or Morning Eggplant.

____ 3. These shorts are ugly as hell, but who cares when you're out in the woods.

____ 4. Moveitfred is an idiot. These shorts are stupid. Why do I waste my time coming to this blog?

Cold Titties

2007-10-25T21:44:00.000-04:00

Moveitfred got out on the cross bike for a couple of hard workouts these last two days. A little cool out there, huh? Finally some fall weather here in the NE.

Yesterday Moveitfred did an epic three hours. Charged some hills, rode over to the local beach and plowed through the sand for a spell, then visited ghetto cross course and did a final 40-minutes of redlining. Got rained on several times, and by the end of it all Moveitfred noticed a perceptible chill in his frontal region.

Moveitfred is very sensitive, and even the slightest drop in core temperature is cause for alarm.

But Moveitfred went home and had some warm tea and split pea soup, and although he suffers from a mild tingle in his throat today he thinks he will be OK.

Hey, thanks for reading.

This Is Some Scary Shit

2007-10-24T09:15:00.000-04:00

Moveitfred Is Ready To Kill Someone

2007-10-23T20:29:00.001-04:00

Out here in Suburban Hell there seems to be this new fucking annoying holiday trend going on.

Ghosting.

Yes, that's a verb. To begin, how fucking annoying is that?

For those of you lucky enough not to know, here's how it works:

Some fucking cheery family gets together and fills a bucket with candy and other annoying shit. Then they print out/photocopy the same fucking note that everyone else seems to be using. Says something clever like "Boo! You've been Ghosted! Now it's time for you to Ghost two other families in the neighborhood!" They tape the note to the bucket, put on dark clothes, creep around the fucking neighborhood and up to your door, drop the bucket on the front step, ring the bell, and run like hell.

Family fred has been "Ghosted" the last two nights.

Time to set the traps and put an end to this crap.

patriotic-AL

2007-10-20T20:16:00.000-04:00

Al Discusses the Olympic Marathon Trials and a Sunday Race

2 Sundays from now is the NYC marathon. As part of the marathon weekend, the Olympic Team Trials for the Men's Marathon will be run on Saturday through NYC. Al will be in attendance. This promises to be an awesome event with many of the world's best marathoners in attendance.

Al will be out there yelling. "Go USA!"

This week has been a good week for me with running. I worried I might not recover well from last Sunday's race. But I feel good. I've put in about 30 miles this week. Tomorrow, I'm running a 5 mile race with the LIRRC again. I'll show up early and take a 5 mile run for warm up. Then I'll race the 5. I'll see how I feel, but I plan to run 7s. Maybe I'll push a little faster. Play it by ear.

AL UPDATE:

I ran a 34:55 for the 5 miler. So I paced out at 6:59, almost precisely what I was looking for. All my miles were about 7s, no great variation. I finished about 12th or so (yeah, yeah...not a large field and no real elite runners. And fuck you.) :)